What’s your story?

We all have times, socially or in our working lives when we need to spark up a conversation with someone right? Where to start? Three words ... Similarity Attraction Effect. 

The fact is when it comes to meeting people, we do like people who have similar interests and motivations to us, so, when sparking up a convo an easy place to start is with a context relevant question. 

Why? 

Well, we're kinda hoping to find authentic reasons to like people, it's like detecting one little thing we might have in common, it builds shared values (aka: meet the ‘thread theory’). So, start with the one guaranteed thing you know you have in common? The situation or context you find yourself in. That could be "Wow, this is my first time in this venue, how about you?" At a party it might be "How do you like the jello shots? Or "Ohh, that coffee looks great". If you were in my ILM3 class this week "Wow, this module though, tough or what?! How are you finding keeping on top of the assignments?"

When we make the effort to take the leap and spark up a conversation with someone it's like we're building threads, and the more threads, the more connected we are. And it's reassuringly simple maths (TBH the only kind I can do) it says the more sparks you create, the greater the likelihood of connecting1 It's networking at its finest! 

You might be that kind of a person naturally, make yourself do it intentionally or be like most people and learn how to do it!

Lessons in spiritual intelligence (SI) and emotional intelligence (EI) can take us wayyyy deeper though in building connections and meeting new people by fostering far deeper self-awareness, empathy, and a more presence.

SI is self-awareness of your values, purpose, and beliefs, which forms a strong foundation for authentic social interactions. Do you encourage compassion, empathy, and understanding towards others, promote prosocial behaviours like kindness and tolerance? This is a sign of your SI! How far do you help/challenge individuals to see and value the uniqueness of others and their stories, this reduces fear and opens the space for genuine connection! Respecting others’ perspectives, also improves communication and supports conflict resolution. Me, myself, I truly believe we are all interconnected, so to cause harm to you, is to harm myself! Why the heck would I intentionally do that? We all have our values, beliefs, what are yours? What is the code you live by?

EI is developing empathy, the ability to truly understand and share others' feelings, which also builds trust and respect in new relationships. Again, self-awareness is key as it opens our minds to emotional management and presenting ourselves authentically and confidently in social settings. EI is developed by improving social skills such as active listening, emotional regulation, and effective communication, again, essential for networking and forming real bonds. Allowing us to navigate social situations with grace, turning initial encounters into meaningful collaborations or new friendships. Knowing all this doesn't translate to doing it though...hence it's always a proverbial work in progress or even better - a work in practice, to land powerful questions that fit who you are and build connections.

“What’s your story?” This is an awesome powerful question that lends itself to so many contexts and invites others to share their experiences, wherever to happen to meet a new someone, it helps foster SI and EI, a sincere presence and connection beyond superficial small talk. Don't get it twisted, I’m not dissing small talk! I just know many people reading this are looking to really connect on a deeper level BUT if this is too heavy, start with a light touch instead, it’s literally a numbers game my friends!

I know I've mentioned this before, (but metrics tell me new people are following my blog every week 👋) … Research shows the most popular people (read: the cool kids) are those who actually just ‘like’ people themselves (it's nothing to do with being more athletic, smarter, attractive, extroverted, or funnier). Therefore, being liked back just comes from a genuine operating place of people just liking one another people! I just love this fun-fact so much! It sure is interesting stuff to know about! 

So, if you're curious, how do you learn how to like people if it's not your natural operating mode? Well one good piece of advice when you're asked the usual mundane things e.g. "What do you do?" "Where are you from?" You know the usual socially scripted questions...flip the script and make things interesting my friends! Verbal games anyone? 

Where am I from? 

Guess? 

What do I do for work? 

Guess? 

Be like, OMG how dare you? And then guess back, sometimes you might even get it right. Go you!! You can have a whole fun back and forth, totally changing the dynamics of a conversation. I really like this recommendation from VanEdwards (Coms Guru). Try it!

And finally, here’s something to ask yourselves, as your oh so clever brain really needs to ascertain - do I feel safe to share my real answer? Do I feel safe to answer something that's not on the social script? Do I feel safe to not be interesting and/or disinteresting? This is the secret sauce and were the people lovers do extremely well, their 'love all' attitude makes others feel safe around them and that builds those genuine connects!