“Hello!” Using Your Voice?!

Your brain reacts to tone of voice before actual words! And tone of voice it determines how confident we perceive someone is! Infact, the nifty researchers find that we decide how confident someone is within the 1st 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. 

200 m-i-l-l-i-s-e-c-o-n-d-s! That's fast people! So, hear this then, your tone of voice, it really matters people! 

Let's start with a simple out loud, "Hello!" 

That! Right there! You just signaled your confidence! Now think of a range of different situational contexts … the grocery store, at work, meeting someone new, greeting an old friend, walking out on a stage in front of a live audience, picking up the phone to your partner, a call from your Doctor that you're dreading, your kid's school calling, coming home to your pet…I’ll stop now! You get it!

So, what is it exactly that we be listening for to determine someone’s confidence? Well, it’s all about the relaxation and breath in your vocal cords because that impacts your tone. I have yet to find anyone that hasn’t uttered at some point the following infamous phrase,

“it wasn’t what they said,  but … the way they said it!”

Remember that time you got nervous? I mean properly nervous! You see, don’t we all get nervous, and when we do, we go higher in our vocal tone (and when we’re really-really-really-really nervous we sound like our vocal cords are being fried). It’s actually called vocal fry. The heart rate goes up, you start breathing shallower and if you're about to say “Hello!” it comes out from the top range of your vocal pitch and is reminiscent of a squeak.  

Confidence then, is to be found at the lowest end of our natural tone. Most males have an advantage here as they have a natural low vocal tone and downward inflection. 

Everyone has a natural vocal range. So how then to find your highest? Take a deep breath and say hello at the top of your breath, it's like you’re holding your breath. 

To find your lowest or bottom range, take a couple deep breaths, relax your vocal cords, relax your shoulders, relax your jaw, relax your mouth, and say hello on the out breath. Finding the lowest end of your natural tone is finding the sound of your most confident self and this applies to both dating and work. When speaking with this lower part of your voice, you are open and full of power and volume because you have space in your body. 

Space! Space? Yup, it gives you breath, and it translates to everything, your face becomes more open, your jaw is more relaxed, your shoulders are more relaxed. Politicians actually have training on how to do it!

Fun fact, we humans like to match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room? Read the room people! Positions might carry levels of authority but the real power houses are to be found by what’s matched and observable in any given space. Voice resonance is shaped by how sound vibrates in your chest, throat, mouth, and nasal cavities. A well-resonated voice has that rich, full sound. Actors are trained in it and can literally use their bodies as amplifiers without straining their voices - like ever! Some authority figures are also pretty good here.

I know, I know, you're like "Well Hello it's still me!" True-true-true! But trust me you sound totally different and likely would be treated differently based on the above two tone versions you present with. Studies back this up - they show that people with a lower-pitched voice are most often perceived as more authoritative and trustworthy. 

Last week, we delved into how cues change how people treat you. The same applies to your voice, if you speak with confidence, people are going to treat you likewise. And so, if you desire to be treated with more respect try it out and, try finding and speaking in those lower tones. You might be thinking… but I want to be accepted for who I am. I got you my friend! Life is all about choices, knowing doesn't mean doing or having to do, YOU DECIDE! 

Connecting & Flirting in IRL

A juicy question appeared on IG this week and I confess I was fascinated by the responses, the question was, why don't relationships today last like our grandparents - people had all kinds of thoughts, but the ones that pique my interest where around, trying to connect with someone IRL, it's the one thing across the board I hear from my guy and gyal friends - they want REAL connection! So, from the female perspective maybe I can be of service! And guys...you might just learn a thing or two here!

Ever wonder how to flick that switch and let someone know you're feeling them? It's all about owning your body and your voice (BTW voice needs its own stage so this this is going to be next week's blog!)

Those signals, they're oh-so clever! Listen up because the signals you're throwing out there? They're not just floating around, they're actually painting a picture of you in someone else's mind. Want more respect? Want more zing? It starts with you dialing up your cues! You're whispering (or maybe shouting with your eyes) ... it's all in your cues and once you know, you won't be able to unknow! This is gonna give you something to think about - so read on!

Now, get this, there are a whooping 97 cues! (if you know me IRL, then you know I'm a huge-huge-huge VanEdwards fan - the guru of anything communication) and we humans are tossing around these 97 cues like confetti at a party! We're nodding, we're gesturing, our feet are practically doing a secret dance, and our voices? They've got their own super-powers! Whether you're a dazzling extrovert, a cozy introvert, or one of the cool majority that is an ambivert (GO AMBI!), this applies to you.

Here's where it gets juicy. Ever sent out what felt like a neon sign of flirtation - maybe 3 killer glances - and then wondered why the human didn't come galloping over to you? My friend, you've just bumped into Signal Amplification Bias! We think we are being SOOOO obvious, but guess what, the Science says "Nope!" Those clever researchers hung out in bars and clubs, watching singles in their natural habitat. Turns out, even when people think they're laying on the charm, the other person is clueless. Yup! Researchers counted the flirty signals…drum roll…ready for it? In 10m it took a mind-blowing 29 signals from a woman to even register as 'interested' to someone else. 29! That's before any "hey, what's your sign?"

Side note: Are bars great places to find a partner? Who's to say ... not me ... I met my husband in a club! But I hear the best places are those that actually mean something to you and what you enjoy, so for me and my husband a club makes absolute sense, of course, but maybe for you it's the local Humane Society, your church, a professional working association, your salsa class, gym, donut shop...

So, where to start with these magical cues? We (us gyals) often obsess over an outfit, make-up, hair, nails, expensive scent, and while looking and feeling fly definitely doesn't hurt, it's ultimately our animal selves, our body language and how we signal our availability that wins the day! Say hello to flirty glances to get the ball rolling! They're basically your secret weapon. Here's the scene, you're casually sweeping the space and your eyes land on someone interesting? Bam! A little side glance, a quick look back. It's like you're just looking around, but then oops, there they are again! This works wonders for us ladies! Now throw in a little peek upwards through the lashes and you're rocking that certain 'je ne sais quoi', eyes slightly down, looking up. 💥 

And get this gyals, playing with your hair, adjusting your outfit (see above photo - my husband, he had no idea what I was up to) and well, here's the real juicy bit, when ladies touch their neck, mouth or lips, it actually releases pheromones ... we're all just animals at the end of the day right! Yup, you're low key putting your scent out there! 💨 This is where dating apps fail - because our natural scent, it is important! Don't believe me, if you were given a number of t-shirts pre-worn 'au natural' by different women and asked to rate them by likeability and then put a room of the same women to mingle without knowing who each t-shirt belonged to ... what do you think? Yup! Those initial sniff tests totally predicted who then clicked in person! There is something totally primal about scent...like TBH I do adore my husband's scent, truly, I know it sounds weird, even he thinks I'm weird but it's true - scent/smell it's completely subjective and we don't really understand why. It's like we love/hate some perfumes/colognes and often say they smell different on different people right! There you go! But I digress.

Now add in a few sweet smiles (and we know they're real because you really are genuinely crushing), and don’t forget to remember you've got around 29 to make, so play the long game and don't give up too quickly, you need to 'land the message' to begin to make the connection. The best part? Zero pressure my friends, if they don't catch your drift? 

Next! 

My Get Up and Go Has Got Up and Gone!

Staring at my notes and to-do list it’s like it's all written in ancient hieroglyphics? Totally relatable? 

Today even the thought of answering an email, feels like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops, my first instinct? I'm declaring myself unmotivated. But hold up! What if I'm not unmotivated maybe I'm just... unmoved right now? 

Cue…Mic drop. 🎤

We’re all human, sometimes our biorhythms are just out of kilter, energy reserves are low, or just a feeling that today your tasks have all the excitement of watching paint dry. If you were ever excruciating ‘bored’ as a child or teen you get it! 

We're often sold this idea that if we just make ourselves, or download the right app, or bribe ourselves with a treat, BAM! We will become this hyper engaged productive machine. Ready to ditch the slump and rediscover your mojo? Here are a few MVPs of lasting get up and go for me...yup these are my pearls of wisdom on this subject!

1-Choice (Autonomy). Just knowing that I'm in the driver's seat! 

2-I Got This (Competence). Knowing my stuff.

3-It Matters (Relatedness). The thing I'm doing feels meaningful, either to me or the world around me. Sometimes the most mundane stuff can have massive impact. 

So, look out for what makes you tick, that way, when you meet a day that feels like a never-ending list of "shoulds" that don't resonate, you can get unstuck from the mud and go from "Ugh, I Have To" to "Ooh, I Want To!" 

My best advice?

Ditch the "shoulds" and dive headfirst into the "wants"! There's a huge difference between doing something because you have to and doing it because your soul says, "Heck yes!" That inner spark? I find that's where the real, long-lasting energy comes from. What would actually make you feel good right now? What would make this feel like it matters again? Try one of these three ways to reconnect with your inner sparkle!

 i)Tap into your why files! 

When I'm dragging my feet, I say to myself, "Wait a minute, why did my fabulous self agree to this in the first place?" Sometimes, you'll rediscover a deeper purpose hiding beneath the surface. Other times, you might realise, "Oh, right, I didn't actually choose this!" And that's a powerful intel ignition! It gives you permission to maybe renegotiate or even let go. Instead of "Ugh, gotta do this," try, "Okay, I'm doing this because it helps ''that'' awesome passion project I'm invested in!" Small shift, big difference in the brain!

 ii)Vybz check! 

Here's a sneaky little hack, don't wait for the magic fairy to tap you on the shoulder. Instead, kickstart the feeling you want to have once the task is done. Wanna feel helpful? Do a tiny act of kindness now. Need some energy? Blast your favorite tunes for a few minutes. Craving connection? Send a quick text to someone you adore. Once that good feeling starts flowing, the "doing" part gets a whole lot easier!

 iii)Sprinkle in some just because magic! 

When my whole schedule feels like a giant to-do list, my brain can quickly forget what brings me pure, unadulterated joy. The antidote? Make space, even just 15 glorious mins, for something you love, with zero expectations. I doodle like nobody's watching. I write something just for me. I wander outside just because I feel like it. I read something for absolutely no reason or end game. This isn't slacking off, it's a vital recharge that fuels my whole being!

Could it be the irony of the proving ‘I am not a robot’, is instead to just prove I am a rockstar? Try it and see! If your inner sparkle feels a little dim right now, please know you are SO not alone. You're likely not uninterested in life or demotivated, you're likely just craving something more meaningful than going through the motions.

So, ditch the guilt, forget the should/ought to, and ask yourself "What am I truly longing for?" and "how can I honour that?" 

Reconnect with what truly moves you!  

EI Your EmotionaI DJ

Emotional Intelligence (EI) isn’t just a “work thing”, it’s the magic ingredient that helps us thrive in both our careers and our personal lives, especially in times of change. Whether you’re leading a team through a big transition, juggling work and family, tackling new challenges or people or just trying to keep your cool in a busy world, EI is your secret weapon for success, happiness, and balance.

In my view, individuals with high EI are like emotional DJs, they read a room, tune into people’s feelings. Not only can they ably set the tone for positivity and resilience but they know when to drop the mic. Like all good DJ's individuals with high EI seamlessly mash-up the tunes, genres, beats inclusively, in this case, two powerful approaches on the decks (on deck 1: the cognitive approach and on deck 2: the competency approach to EI).

• Cognitively, individuals who can perceive, use, understand, and manage emotions are better at handling conflict, making decisions, and keeping everyone motivated during uncertain times.

• Competency reveals itself through self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Individuals who master these skills create trust, communicate clearly, and inspire others to pull together, not apart, when things get tough.

The result of the cognitive and competency mash-up? Better communication, stronger relationships, less stress, and a happier, more productive life, even when things are changing fast! Yes, EI will assist any human in the workplace (for sure), however, even better, EI does not clock-off when the work day is done, and individuals with high EI are both enjoying and moving with momentum to the sound tracks of their own lives. To the outsider looking in, this looks like:

• Handling lifes stress and setbacks

• Setting boundaries, managing self and time

• Nurturing healthy, supportive relationships

• Balancing work demands with personal needs (not losing that crucial sense of self) 

  

I’ve spent literally years of my life attempting to master emotional intelligence, being aware of my feelings, reading a room, managing vybz like a Jedi. I ‘think’ I’m an ‘okay’ Selector at this point. But having returned from hols, yes, carnival this week I can state with some confidence that nothing, n o t h i n g, prepares you for the emotional buffet that is a Caribbean Carnival, the loud music alone is enough to reset your heart rhythm ... and then there is the sheer volume of people, so so so so so many people!  I totally expect people to be jarred by me and my presence, and I’m unphased by this because EI has taught me to trust the intelligence of my most authentic self! 

When I look in the mirror at my carnival costume I hear my inner critic whisper "You’re too old, you’re too ‘this’, you’re too ‘that’, for this!” But then, my inner emotionally intelligent voice says, "Feel the fear, thank it for its opinion, now go make some new friends, connect, whine your waist and have fun." So, I do!

Numerous high-fives, bounces and sing-alongs later from various road revellers and EI wins the day! From bonding over rum punch and shared stories, nothing makes me happier than meeting new people, listening deeply, making space for awkward moments, embracing joy without apology … it all affirms that human connection doesn’t care about age, colour, nationality etc. it just wants you to show up authentically, joyfully, keep good vybz and an open mind.

Jumping in Carnival for me isn't just a party, it's a masterclass in emotional intelligence; managing my insecurities, tuning into others, knowing when to speak, and when to just dance, when to strike a pose and when to move on!

In the world of work EI is a key factor in achieving work-life balance and overall well-being. It helps you recognise when you’re stretched too thin, ask for help, and bounce back from challenges with a smile. Whether you're navigating political uncertainty, or just trying to balance life's curve balls, EI is your all-access pass to being more resilient, connected and fulfilled. It's not about a perfect utopia but an imperfect, real path in which you're able to remain curious, care about others without losing track of your own feelings and confidence.

Whether you're dancing through a carnival crowd or navigating the workplace and changing political landscape, EI is the secret sauce that makes everything smoother, deeper, and way more meaningful! So where to start? Self-Awareness. Boost your self awareness! I’m sharing a few ideas below!

1. Journal Jams ✍️  Write your heart out! Spill your thoughts and feelings like a teenage diary superstar.

2. Mindful Moments 🧘‍♂️  Chill out with deep breaths or a mini meditation-become the Zen master of your own mind.

3. Feedback Fiesta 🎤  Ask your friends to spill the tea on how you really come across. No filters!

4. Flashback Fun 🎞️  Play detective with your past-figure out what makes you ‘you’.

5. Who Am I? 🤔 Ask yourself “Who am I?” over and over to discover your cool hidden layers.

6. Life Timeline Time 📅  Draw your life story like a comic strip and spot the epic plot twists.

7. Body Check-In 🕵️‍♀️  Scan your body for feels-where’s that stress hiding? Find it and name it!

8. Daily Debrief 🗣️  Before bed, do a quick recap of your day’s wins and emotional rollercoasters.

Embrace your emotions with intelligence and see what happens! It’s a journey to the very core of who you really are, not everyone dare traverse there!