My Toughest Year Yet?

As the annual performance review looms, I find myself in a familiar place, reflecting on the year and thinking, "Wow, this has been a lot, really tough!" and then, a little lightbulb goes off, yes, I had the exact same thought last year!

If you've ever felt this way too, you're not alone. It's actually a common human experience that highlights a fascinating interplay between our psychology and our brain's wiring. Whether we're excited for a slow-burn transformation or complaining that the pace of change is glacial, one thing is certain, change and adaptation takes a toll, cognitively and emotionally. 

Imagine you have a personal account with the bank of Adaptation Energy. Why? Well psychologists view our capacity to cope with new situations (whether positive or negative) as a finite resource. So, every time we learn a new software system, adjust to a new team member, or even embrace a new goal, we draw from our personal adaptation energy account. If you have had a year full of micro-changes (new policies, shifting priorities, exciting new projects, and good changes like promotions), you're constantly depleting this bank account. Now factor in some macro changes and whatever other gifts for growth life has offered you in 2025 so far and it’s not surprising you may be starting to feel the burn!

Our brain's biology provides a universal truth which is that our prefrontal cortex, the brain's executive control center, (responsible for planning, decision-making, and error correction) has to go into over-drive during change. When a routine task changes even ‘ever-so-slightly’, the brain can no longer rely on those existing efficient, automatic neural pathways. It has to consciously analyse the new situation, inhibit old habits, and create new ones. This cognitive load consumes varying amounts of mental energy (glucose), and can lead to feelings of fatigue.

Our brains crave certainty and stability because predictability is metabolically cheap. When things are stable, the brain can save energy. Change, by its very nature, introduces unpredictability. This triggers the threat detection system (the amygdala) even if the change is positive. A new project or promotion, for example, may be great, however it also introduces unknowns and newness, be it people, a new lead, responsibilities etc. all keeping the amygdala on high alert.  

I am working on reframing the thought, "this year is tough" and instead I’m trying to choose to recognise it as a sign of psychological and neurological growth. It is the signature of a brain that has been actively re-wiring, adapting, and growing. So, as you head into that performance review, don’t forget to take a moment to acknowledge your evolution too!

Dancing through Life

You know that feeling when a killer beat drops and your body just has to move? That little shimmy, that head nod, that spontaneous kitchen boogie? It’s not just silly fun, that's your brain throwing a party, and you're invited! This week we're talking about ‘embodied cognition’. Your body isn't just a pretty package for your brilliant mind, it's an active participant in every thought, every feeling and every brilliant idea you've ever had. I love dancing! I need very little encouragement ... and to know there's a whole scientific sass-fest behind why impromptu dance-offs are basically genius-level moves, well, tbh that just encourages me even more (if that's even possible).

So how you move your gorgeous self can literally sculpt how you feel and even what brilliant thoughts pop into your head. Yup, that sassy little strut to grab your coffee, that impromptu lip-sync battle with your dish sponge, or that full-on Beyoncé moment when your anthem hits the speakers? That's you being fabulous (obv's) and that's also you brilliantly neuro-hacking! You're quite literally rewiring your brain for peak performance, mood boosts, and an explosion of creativity.

Basal Ganglia's Groove? This isn't just the part of the brain for making sure you don't trip over your own feet. Nope! When you shake what your mama gave ya, you're not just moving muscles, you're sparking fireworks in your brain's most crucial command centres. The basal ganglia is a deep brain structure, intimately involved in your motivation, reward, and emotional processing. So, when you hit that perfect beat, it's like a VIP pass for feel-good vybz directly to your emotional core. 

Why else does dancing feel so good? It's because of the movement, especially rhythmic and enjoyable movement (even if you’re the only one that believes you have it). Dancing triggers a delightful deluge of neurotransmitters. Our good friend dopamine, (read: the reward chemical), floods your system, reinforcing that dancing, well, yes, it feels amazing!!! A sensation that puts that smile on your face while serotonin, your mood stabilizer, gets a fabulous boost, helping to keep those blues at bay. It’s like your brain just chugged a double espresso of pure joy! It also explains why I feel low when I haven't been out cutting loose for a while! 

The unsung hero? Your awesome brain manages your balance and coordination that plays a role in cognitive functions, including attention and language. Dance moves, even if they're just in your head, require coordination that fine-tunes your cerebellum, making you sharper and more focused. When you're grooving, you're not just mindless, you're making decisions about rhythm, space, and expression. This lights up your prefrontal cortex like a christmas tree, this executive control center of your brain, which is responsible for planning, problem-solving, and decision-making is enjoying a C-Suite master class. For leaders this means dancing literally makes you a better strategist! 

And the best part? If some unsuspecting soul catches you mid-move, own your space like the king or queen you are as you might just accidentally sprinkle some unexpected happiness their way. Or, at the very least, you’ll serve up enough delightful confusion to momentarily obliterate whatever mundane worries they were clinging to. Seriously, we should class dancing as a public service! So, next time that irresistible tune starts playing, don't sit it out. Get up, get down, and let your body lead the way!

Stoicism

Is your calendar a battlefield? Your inboxes (plural) a war zone? You’re spinning plates, putting out fires, trying to move people in the same direction? All while the request for a budget redraft is thrown out to you like a tactical nuke.

I had a day this week were literally almost everything planned did not go to plan and even worse just went plain wrong. That said, I ended the day with a big smile on my face and a feeling of accomplishment. How so?

What if I told you the solution to your sanity when faced with such crunch times isn't some complex new framework or a six-step of plan to crush it in Q4? Nope…my strategy? It is a 2,000 year old philosophy with a modern twist. 

I'm talking about Stoicism! Now, before you picture me in a toga, chanting, let me clarify. Modern Stoicism has nothing to do with being an emotionless or a joyless grump. Think of it less as a philosophy and more as a mental operating system. Here's how this ancient wisdom can transform your manic days into a calm, resilient, and deeply human force.

If you take only one thing from Stoicism, make it this! 

Focus on what you can control, and ruthlessly let go of what you can't. This is the Stoic golden rule, and in my humble view it is indeed pure gold! Words to live by! 

Looking at the many things on your life plate. Identify, what CAN'T you control? (e.g. The fact that it's Monday) and What CAN you control? (e.g. Your response, looking after yourself, and the attitude you bring to your Monday).

It sounds simple, right? But think of the mental energy you waste worrying about things completely outside of your influence. A Stoic self-leader is a master of this mental triage. They don't fret over the weather, they simply make sure their umbrella is in the car. They don't panic when a project or training event planned for the day goes sideways, they pivot and focus on the next best action.

The Stoics had four key virtues and here I’m translating them into boss-level behaviours just for you!

First we have temperance (aka: the ‘do not send that email’ virtue). In self-leadership, this means self-control. It's the ability to pause before reacting (in anger/frustration/upset), to moderate your emotions, and to not let a momentary set back dictate your long-term strategy. This is about tuning in to your motives longer-term.

Then we have courage (aka: the ‘tough talk’ virtue). Back in day this meant facing a lion, but in these times, the lion is about having the guts to give honest, respectful and kind feedback, speaking up, challenging others, and admitting when you're wrong. How much time do people spend thinking, ruminating and worrying about things they are never going to act upon? 

Next up is justice (aka: the ‘please treat people like humans’ virtue). This is about integrity, fairness, and doing the right thing. A Stoic self-leader ensures people are treated equitably, actions are just, and decisions go beyond self benefit. This means suspending existing judgements or assumptions and instead operating with openness.

And finally… wisdom (aka: the ‘big picture’ virtue). This is the strategic glue that holds it all together. It's the ability to see things clearly, to understand what truly matters, and to know how and when to apply the other three virtues. It’s the foresight to navigate the future while staying grounded in the present.

Okay, enough theory. So here’s three ways I try to live and breathe Stoicism.

Brain Dumps!

I start the week and thereafter each new day with a quick list. Divide a page in half. On the left, write "Things I Can Control." On the right, "Things I Can't." Spend most of your time and energy on the left side.

A Pre-Mortem?!

Before a big project, a new undertaking, or event etc. consider those elements that could go wrong. It’s not about being pessimistic, it's about being prepared! By contemplating potential failures, you can plan ‘if’ x happens ‘then’ I will do y. This builds resilience and contingencies in advance. It also means I sleep well!

Pause! It’s so under-rated!

When a colleague says something infuriating or a problem explodes, I don't react immediately. I yake a deep breath. Count to 3 (or 10 depending on how the day is going). Ask yourself, "Is this within my control? What is the most helpful response right now?" This small pause is a powerful act of self-leadership. It gives me the opportunity to rethink! Because remember you can only truly control you and your response.

Stoicism is about becoming intentional, resilient, and grounded. It’s about creating a fortress of calm in your mind so that no matter how chaotic things get, you can stand tall. 

Biohacking Leadership

Known through inner circles as biohacking leadership, it's all about understanding the secret language of biology and behaviour to understand the signals that others' brains and bodies pick up on to determine whether a leader is trustworthy, capable, and confident, the three dynamic ingredients that interplay for biohacking. A leadership trifecta if you will!

Warmth, is the ability to build genuine connections, evoke trust, and foster collaboration. Think about those leaders who make you feel seen, heard, and valued. They're radiating warmth! What’s the biohack? Well it’s definitely not about being buddy-buddy, it's about subtle, powerful signals such as, an open, inviting posture, a genuine smile that reaches your eyes, active listening that shows true engagement and remembering those little personal details that make people feel special. These are warmth signals, and they're the essentials for creating that psychologically safe and cohesive team.

Imagine the scene, a team member comes to their manager, clearly stressed and frustrated about a project. The biohack? Instead of immediately jumping to problem-solving, the manager focuses on active listening. They lean in, maintain eye contact, and nod to show they are engaged. When the team member finishes speaking, the manager says, "It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed and that this project has been a source of a lot of stress for you. Is that right?"

This simple act of validating the other person's emotions sends a powerful biological signal of empathy and trust. It shows that the leader cares about the person, not just the task. This makes the team member feel safe and respected, which in turn makes them more receptive to a collaborative.

Competence (sounds obvs I know) is demonstrating expertise, the ability to get things done, and problem-solving. When others see you as competent, they trust your judgment and believe you can lead them to success. Biohacking means competence signals are done with clarity and effectiveness. Think clear communication and decisive action when needed. We’re talking about a track record of consistent performance, and the ability to simplify complex ideas.

Imagine a team is facing a difficult decision on a project with no clear-cut answer, and the debate is causing a project to stall. The biohack? The leader listens to the different perspectives, asks a few clarifying questions, and then, after a brief pause, makes a clear, well-reasoned decision. They say, "Based on our budget constraints and the timeline we're up against, we will move forward with Option B. Here's why..."

This act of making a tough call sends a signal of decisiveness and confidence. Indecision can create anxiety and frustration in a team. By taking a stand, the leader provides a sense of certainty and control, which reduces stress and allows the team to move forward with a clear sense of purpose.

Gravitas is all about presence! How captivating is your aura of presence and impact? How do you command respect and inspire confidence, without saying a word, the calm and quiet strength that reassures and guides. Biohacking gravitas involves things like maintaining a confident, grounded posture, a calm and measured vocal tone, behaving neutrally and professionally makes others feel secure in your leadership.

Imagine a leader is speaking to a large group, but the audience is distracted and murmuring. The biohack? Instead of raising their voice or trying to talk over the noise, the leader simply stops speaking. They stand tall, make eye contact with a few people in the audience, and wait patiently.

A brief, intentional pause can be a powerful tool. It sends a non-verbal signal of confidence and authority. The silence naturally draws attention and communicates that what the leader is about to say is important. This hack demonstrates a leader's composure and self-assurance, showing that they don't need to fight for the room's attention, they already have it.

The observable biometric signals aren't vague concepts, nope, they're concrete behaviours that can be learned, practiced, and perfected. They're the non-verbal cues and deliberate actions that tell everyone exactly who you are and what you're capable of. These signals are constantly broadcasting to others your leadership! The most effective leaders don't just excel in one area, they balance warmth, competence, and gravitas, consciously adjusting their dial as the situation demands. This isn't just fluffy theory. It's grounded in neuroscience, how our brains and bodies work, making it a powerful, evidence-based approach to boosting your leadership.

Leading with Scars

In the world of work, the echos of ‘individuals needing to toughen it out’ and leaders developing a ‘thick skin’ linger. But to be candid these notions that feel as outdated as dial-up internet. As a leadership facilitator, I often say, leadership isn't about role modelling being perfect or unbreakable, it’s acknowledging the personal and professional scars we carry.

Emotionally intelligent leaders don’t see this acknowledgement as a burden, they see it as a map. They know the old ‘suck it up’ mentality is incredibly damaging. Leading with an understanding of scars means recognising that people respond differently to stress and challenges based on their past experiences. This isn't about coddling, it's about understanding that sometimes a seemingly irrational reaction might actually be a deeply ingrained protective response. Leading with scars focuses on giving people agency and a voice. Yup, it’s time to break out those awesome coaching skills! It's about involving individuals in decision-making, offering choices, and valuing their input, which helps them reclaim a sense of control. This isn't a deficit-based approach, it’s about raising human potential. When we create an environment where people feel seen, heard, and safe, their capacity for creativity, collaboration, and resilience expands exponentially.

There is a lot of ‘talk’ about psychological safety but action shouts so loud they drown the 'talk'. Action is the foundational action of building a safe harbour, a space and place where team members feel genuinely safe to be vulnerable, make mistakes, ask for help, and express their needs without fear of judgment or retaliation. When this foundation is embedded leading with scars affords the mutual understanding that a sudden outburst, withdrawal, or defensiveness might not be a personal attack but a reaction rooted in past experiences and trauma. Something for leaders to consider is, what if the key to unlocking potential in the workplace lies more in the ways leaders connect with each individual on a team, not just in strategy and alignment.

This isn't about blaming, it's about understanding. We naturally gravitate towards people we click with, and that's perfectly human. The magic happens though when we consciously expand that circle of connection, ensuring that every team member feels that same sense of warmth, respect, and opportunity. Imagine the collective energy when everyone feels truly included and safe enough to challenge and be challenged. This is the heart of psychological safety, the shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking. 

Elevate your leadership and critically review how safe it is for team members to speak up and challenge. Think about: Who do I naturally gravitate towards on my team, and why? Am I truly giving everyone on my team a fair shot at exciting projects and meaningful feedback? How do I respond when someone courageously offers a different perspective to mine? Do I often find myself surrounded by agreement? When was the last time someone (felt safe enough to) genuinely challenge an idea? Can I recall initiating authentic social exchanges with every team member? Was I doing ‘the rounds’ or genuinely connecting with them? When? How do I personally model and champion a culture where respectful challenge isn't just ‘allowed’, but genuinely celebrated?

These aren't just questions, they're inclusive invitations that foster a deeper level of leadership, one that profoundly impacts the energy and effectiveness of a team. Human nature means our brains are incredible social organs, wired for connection and belonging. When we feel connected and safe, our brains release wonderful neurochemicals like oxytocin, often called the 'bonding hormone', this makes us feel good, trusting, and more open to collaboration. 

However, as we know, our brains also have ancient protective mechanisms. If some team members consistently receive more positive attention or opportunities, others might unconsciously feel left out or undervalued. This can trigger a subtle threat response in the brain, activating areas like the amygdala. When this happens, their focus shifts from creative problem-solving to self-preservation, dampening natural enthusiasm and willingness to take risks.

When team members feel psychologically safe, their brains can truly flourish. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for creativity, critical thinking, and innovation, is fully engaged. If team members hesitate to offer alternative viewpoints, are quiet in meetings then leaders this is your gentle signal. It means there's an incredible opportunity to nurture an environment where boldness and fresh thinking are celebrated. The incredible truth is that when you prioritise genuine connection and psychological safety, the positive effects ripple outwards, transforming an entire team. Leaders have the incredible power to be a catalyst for this transformation. By consciously fostering fairness, openness, and genuine connection, you cultivate a vibrant ecosystem where every individual on a team feels empowered to thrive.

Show your commitment by building environments where every talent is seen, every voice is heard, and every person feels they truly belong because leading with scars means being transparent in communication, clear about expectations, and consistent in actions. This builds trust and helps regulate anxiety. As I like to say, “You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust the sails.” Predictability is your team’s sail! And if your sail tears your crew is on hand to help repair and get you back to the safe harbour. 

Leading with scars is a powerful approach to leadership that is about moving beyond the superficial and creating a truly human-centric workplace that is a testament to strength, and where every individual is supported on their journey toward well-being and peak performance. Because when people feel safe, they can truly become unstoppable.

The Everyday Athlete

Good morning, afternoon, or indeed, whatever time it is that you've found yourself scrolling through this particular corner of the internet! Now, in my numerous years I've had the distinct pleasure (and occasional terror) of witnessing humanity in various states of dress, or undress, as the case may be. But there is one pervasive fashion phenomenon, since 'lock-down' that has truly captured my attention, and that, my readers, is the ubiquitous reign of leisure wear as everyday wear. 

Whether it's a pair of JD Sports jogging bottoms or a resplendent figure enhancing legging, everyday sportswear is a fascinating societal shift. The sheer variety one can now acquire, jogging bottoms in cashmere (for the truly committed lounge-wear connoisseur), in leather (for the slightly more adventurous, and presumably well-ventilated, individual), and in patterns that would make a kaleidoscope blush. 

But within this grand tapestry of technical fabrics and elasticated waistbands, there exists some kind of elite statement? A declaration to the world that you are, at minimum, contemplating a yoga class, or perhaps just very, very good at running errands in comfort. 

Why does leisure wear hold such sway? Its even infiltrated many workplaces which offer polo shirts in a vast range of colours. Is it more than being physically comfortable? Is it profoundly psychologically comforting too! Donning a look derived from looking as though you’ve just come from, nor are about to go to, something infinitely more active and purposeful than simply sitting at your desk or running errands. Psychologically are we, at least outwardly, signaling our allegiance to a wellness movement. We are, in essence, joining a club of sorts.

This club may lead to the sweaty confines of the gymnasium, your desk or the privacy of one's own living room for a particularly vigorous bout of napping. I for one embrace the comfort even if just heading to the supermarket. I confess I artfully pair my leisure wear with a handbag and a different attitude that actually makes me walk the talk and leads to me actually deeply contemplating the merits of organic kale and kombucha. 

But is it just physical or psychological comfort or simply feeling good? Or, are we, as a society, collectively signalling our readiness for anything? Hmmmm...?

If I’m honest I suspect my attire is a clever bit of self-deception. A silent, collective nod to the aspirational athlete within me, even if that athlete's primary focus is WFH  in comfort rather than a sudden impromptu marathon, spontaneous burpee competition, or the more likely … rapid descent into the nearest comfortable chair.

Living in the Cayman Islands where the seasons range from, “hot, hotter and hot as heck”, the technical fabrics, designed to wick away sweat from exertions I haven't actually made as yet are perfect for this hot climate. I’ll admit, after a long day of navigating the complexities of leadership the allure of something soft and yielding is not to be underestimated. The sporting textile takeover in my wardrobe paired with my brightly coloured trainers, practically vibrates with the unspoken promise of a personal best, despite many of them having never touched a track but are my footwear of choice any day or night!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe my … onesie leisurewear is calling and there's a particularly demanding sofa cushion that requires my immediate attention and I do believe it's perfectly aligned!

Your AI Flex

Whatever your generation, you likely have a touchscreen in your hand, a multitude of AI apps and digital assistance woven into the very fabric of your existence. So, it's time to have a moment of real talk about how you’re chatting up your digital overlords, I'm talking, Siri, Alexa, Ziggy. Google Assistant, whatever disembodied voice is currently assisting in the running your life.

Have you ever cringed when hearing a child bark a terse demand at their parent in the same way they bark commands at Alexa or even paused to think about what those quick terse commands, or so-so-sweet "pleases and thank you's” or moments of utter frustration actually mean? 

We've all been there, your device or AI misunderstands you for the third time, and suddenly, your voice changes towards the mic, like the tech personally offended your ancestors. "ALEXA, I SAID PLAY 'xxx' NOT 'xxx'!" "NO ALEXA!" ÄLEXA STOPPPP!" 

What's the psychological tea? 

AI, I'm afraid to say, is nicely exposing our human frustration tolerance levels, our outbursts are a reflection of our human 'locus of control' and how we humans manage unexpected setbacks? When things don't go as planned, some of us lash out at the perceived source of the problem. It's an attempt to regain control in a situation where you feel powerless. Or is it more than that? As of course there is also the perception that the digital world is a safe space to blow off steam without actually offending a human. What? Your AI doesn't have feelings?  

Well...yet! 

How do you engage with your digital overloads and what might it  mean?

There is the polite working relationship. You know who you are. The ones who religiously say "Please" before asking Alexa to play that hyper-specific EDM track, and then give a heartfelt "Thank you" after Siri tells you the weather. You might even give an apology if you interrupt your AI. What's the heck is happening here? Congrats, if this is you! You’re showcasing some deeply ingrained social conditioning! This isn't just about being a good human (though, respect and kudos). Psychologists call this anthropomorphism, where we unconsciously attribute human-like qualities to non-human things. From the moment we were tiny, we were taught manners right! Well Gen-Zer tops the charts here, apparently almost 7/10 say please and thank you when speaking to ChatGTP (which comes with whooping cost to electricity consumption too). So why? Our brains, being the efficient (and sometimes lazy) organs they are, applies the same social rules to anything that responds to you, even if it's just a bunch of algorithms in a fancy speaker. But here’s something else to consider, some research suggests a subtle, almost primal instinct at play too. Are you low-key trying to stay on your overlord's digital good side? We might joke about it, but seriously there's a part of our brains that's always assessing power dynamics and ... IF ... if AI does become sentient, you want them to remember you as the polite one, right? It's less about "fear" and more about an unconscious evolutionary survival strategy! 

Then there are those of us who treat our AI like a glorified button. "Lights off." "Timer, five minutes." No pleasantries, no fluff. Just pure, unadulterated efficiency. You're basically giving commands into the void and expecting results. You see your AI exactly for what it is, a highly sophisticated utility. Your brain isn't wasting energy on social niceties because there's no perceived social being on the other end. It’s all about the outcome. This can be a sign of high cognitive offloading, where you trust the AI to handle the mental heavy lifting without needing to engage in unnecessary social rituals. But beware, my efficient friends! While being direct saves time, some experts wonder if this hyper-transactional approach is subtly reshaping our expectations of all interactions. Are we slowly becoming less patient with human inefficiency because our AI is always on point? Can we not live without it? Just something to ponder while your smart home flawlessly executes your commands. Which takes us nicely onto ...

The emerging slightly-too-comfortable personal relationship, like asking Alexa about her favorite colour, trying to get Siri to tell a joke, or even, dare I say, having full-blown philosophical debates with ChatGPT. The psychological tea? Okay, this is where it gets juicy. For some, especially in an increasingly digitally isolated world, AI is indeed becoming (has become) a source of "perceived companionship." This isn't to say you're replacing your BFF, but the non-judgmental, always-available and amiable nature of AI can fill certain human voids. Research, particularly around AI companions, highlights how people feel genuine comfort and reduced loneliness, and as we already established the digital space may feel like a safe space to explore thoughts, or even just hear a friendly voice. The tendency to form connections, even superficial ones, with AI stems from our innate human need for social interaction. When that need isn't fully met, our brains will find alternative sources (think: Tom Hanks and Wilson!) even if the source is an algorithm mimicking human conversation. It's a testament to our profound social wiring, even if it manifests in unexpected ways.

Ultimately, how we talk to our AI may tell us a little about our psychological flexibility in adapting to a world where lines between human and machine are increasingly blurred, and your brain, well it is doing its best to make sense of it all using the social rulebook it knows. So next time you bark a command or offer a wonderfully polite "very good, thank you" to your digital helper, take a beat. Are you being a courteous co-habitant with your tech? An efficient operator? Or maybe, just maybe, you're practicing for a future where your AI might actually ‘fess up to always be listening (as you suspected all along), judging and keeping the score!

Geopolitical Campfires & Gratitude

Is it just me but an unspoken rule of travel is to avoid heated political debates. After all, isn't the goal to relax and maybe bond, not spark heated arguments that could ruin the vybz right? Well, our most recent adventure took us on a fascinating detour to the enchanting Kingdom of Eswatini and this compact nation welcomed us with open arms and offered a rich tapestry of cultural experiences, breathtaking landscapes, and absolute warmth from its people, as well as some deep and fascinating conversations!

I mean, I really enjoyed Eswatini, from the children and parents waving eagerly on their very early morning walks to school through vibrant cultural villages, to learning about traditional family life with a local Manzini tribe (which resulted in one of my fav vacay memories, which was the opportunity to dance alongside formidable tribeswomen) ...Eswatini was quite captivating and I highly recommend a visit!

I did not know until we travelled to this country, (formerly known as Swaziland) that a key aspect of Swazi traditional family custom is the concept of a patriarchal homestead. Yes, male heads act as the central authority and are encouraged to take wives (yes, wives - plural), and the King himself has multiple, rumours are 15! As long as a man has the necessary financial standing (gauged by livestock, aka: cows) and I suspect a granite level state of mind ... he may take, ney, is positively encouraged, to take a number of wives! The king’s father was rumoured to have 70 wives! It was one way to the unite clans.

The catch? He must also provide for each wife, traditionally this was with three homesteads each (I loved the beehive style huts (which are completely mobile by the way); "Why three I asked?" One for cooking, one for sleeping and one for ... making beer! Three homesteads per wife! 

It was fascinating talking to the tribe, as elsewhere in the world polygamy can be quite the unspoken topic! However, the tribal homesteads encouraged us to ask all the fascinating questions, and we learned so much about some intriguing customs where gender division is reflected in everything from men entering first (to the right, then women to the left), sleeping arrangements reflecting the same tradition, and then there is the night-time 'secret (!) knocks on wood' along with the agreed upon age at which the children move out of sleeping in the parental (aka. mother's) hut, which for future reference is when their arm can reach over their head and touch their opposite ear!

So, as we sat, under the stars at night, enveloped in a smell I can only describe as "impala outdoorsy." My inner monologue couldn't have been happier even if I did smell like a booma. The quintessential outdoor setting, the crackling communal campfire with strangers, eventually (niceties all done) led to the sharing of some tasty geopolitical stories. For, Eswatini stimulated so much conversation; health, gender, politics, security, economy, education, borders, freedoms, monarchy and social issues, it was all on the table here! For Eswatini was an unexpected surprise, offering a unique glimpse into Swazi traditions through the eyes of both visitors and locals. Swazi locals spoke in hushed tones on the growing discontent around the monarchy and political/economic situation in Eswatini. You see Eswatini is Africa's last absolute monarchy and the king holds authority over all branches of government. Infact, political parties have been banned for as long as I have lived (yup...1973!) Imagine that, the monarchy really has a strong hold! But...I would add that from what I saw and heard, Eswatini is a country in transition. While patriarchal norms remain strong especially in rural areas, urbanisation and education are shifting expectations. Polygamy while legal, is apparently losing popularity due to the financing (lobola aka: brides price). More women are pursuing careers, taking leadership roles, and challenging the old ways, while men hold most public authority, today, as was the case at our abode, we found a Swazi woman running the accommodation and a man preparing the meal for visitors, it signs that change is in the air.

Sitting around the campfire at night and talking geopolitics I found myself repeatedly thinking how fortunate I am, the place of my birth on this earth, my citizenship, access to health and education, my ability to make my own decisions, to be able to work and earn a living that affords me travel, freedom and glorious adventures with my amazing life partner. Gratitude in abundance!

Puncture in Leopard Land

There are travel stories you plan for, sunrises over the savanna, herds of elephants lumbering past, maybe even a lion’s guttural roar in the distance. Then there are the stories that sneak up on you, like our punctured tyre in the middle leopard territory. 

What’s the first rule of a self-drive safari? Under no circumstance are you to get out of your vehicle! Note, in Africa the reserves are hundreds and thousands of hectares and so with no wifi, no phone signals, no patrols and multiple entry and exit gates one can only conclude your chances of rescue are at best, rather slim and likely to be later rather than sooner!

The Scene? Wildness. Africa, two weeks into our trip and we had seen and experienced more than we could ever have imagined, except….? A leopard! It had become somewhat of a mission, a fixation of sorts, and so we were determined to try and see and experience a leopard in the wild!

So off we set, unanimously deciding to go ‘off-road’ in the reserve, into a known leopard sighting area, after all, “these vehicles are made for this right!” 

Picture this, you are bumping along a dusty dirt corrugated rocky type track, late afternoon scanning the bush for a flash of sleepy rosetted fur, when suddenly, the vehicle lurches. That unmistakable thwump-thwump followed by a huge cartoon level hissing sound that can mean only one thing, a puncture, yes…in the heart of leopard country. “Not to worry” says my husband, “we can drive … just very very slowly, remember, these vehicles are made for this!”

Fast forward, 2m later when my husband’s ashen face declares “Marie this vehicle can go no further, this puncture is baddddd!”

Now changing a tyre is never the highlight of anyone’s day but then add the possibility of a curious hungry master predator big cat or two or three and it becomes a high adrenaline sport! Here’s what went down!

First, came the eventual realisation that, yes, we would have to get out of the car to change the tyre. Then came the “leopard lookout” debacle when things took a very dark turn for the worse indeed. The horror of finding out during a bottom clenching exchange of leopard watch that there was absolutely no jack in the wheel change kit of our rental vehicle. We scrambled quick-time back into the vehicle with Bolt level speed. Mouths dry at first trying to think our way out of this latest drama of ours.

What to do? Go into the potentially leopardary savannah grass and look for rocks, sticks!? Prop up the car and try and dig out with our bare hands the ground beneath the tyre? The thought of going outside again was sickening. Savannah grass either side of the vehicle …and lots of trees for a smart leopard to spot us from, we wondered how best to play it! 

Now if there is one thing about my husband and I, our adventures do lead us to get ourselves into plenty of fixes and so we are really very calm when things invariably don’t go to plan! While we sat figuring out our options and quite frankly evaluating our life choices while in Africa we were incredibly fortunate as two German travellers, thankfully as lustful for a leopard sighting as us and on the same mission came down this not so beaten track and … most importantly, they had a jack! Yay! We were saved! 

Well almost, we just had to actually use it and not get eaten, for leopards blend seamlessly into the environment, they are well-known for their stealth and ability to “move like whispers.” A chilling thought when you’re headed out into their domain. Nascar pit crews have nothing on this husband and wife team. Tyre, jack, and every bolt is spun except one, which was scarified due to some phantom movement in the grass. That distant sound? Probably just a bird…well…hopefully!!!

Once the new tyre was on (minus one bolt), jack returned to our new German besties, and the adrenaline settled in our bodies, something magical happened. We realise we’d survived! It’s our safari story that will outlast any slideshow of sunsets or rhinos. The experience of facing the wild together! 

You live, and you learn right! Has our lust for adventure being dampened? Not at all, but in future we will always check the spare tyre kit has everything, as sometimes the best days come with just a little extra tread.

2671 Miles of African Adventure

Africa. The name conjures up images of vast landscapes, incredible wildlife, and vibrant cultures. But experiencing it firsthand? Now that’s a whole different type of living. My recent trip was an exhilarating, soul-stirring adventure that has imprinted unfathomable images of vast landscapes, sunrises, sunsets and of course wildlife on my heart forever. I am forever changed!

As we embarked on an epic self-drive journey from the stunning shores of Cape Town all the way to the bustling energy of Joburg via Eswatini I was excited to be ticking off wildlife in my journal beginning on day 1 with a photogenic dessie atop Table Mountain, then a highly unpredictable escapee ostrich dashing about at the Cape Peninsula accompanied by a troop of mad hungry highly intelligent baboons! A group of very itchy and albeit noisy seal lions on the historic V&A waterfront followed by a massive stinky but equally as adorable penguin colony that has claimed Boulder beach (and may no man ever dare challenge them on this!) 

 

The true magic began though as we ventured into the heart of Africa's wilderness and safaried. The sun rising over the mountains, ahhhh, the bush, the savannah grass, the clearing of the fog as every morning sky was painted in fiery hues. Our days were filled with incredible encounters, and the excitement of seeing our first wild … well … everything was utterly magical! I have never slept so contentedly in my adult life! 

 

A rhino, a giraffe, a zebra, another and another and another - we were hooked! We visited so many National Parks, Game Reserves and Conservations and had incredible experiences at each one, whether we watched the humongous tails of whales, dolphins playing or caught the tail of a baby leopard disappear up a tree where its mother had dragged an antelope (aka. dinner). The joy of a herd of elephants crossing in front of our vehicle with numerous babies tripping over their flailing trunks, hearing the majestic lions roaring while walking out right in front of us at night. Too many antelope variations to ever recall, the bemused face of the kudo and lots and lots and lots of impala (aka. McDonald’s of Africa). 

 

Our nocturnal safaris were a particular highlight, revealing a hidden world of new rules, like never shine a light on an elephant at night. Why not? It will charge at you. Elusive creatures and animals we’d never seen or heard of like the genet and the numerous beautiful creatures that we couldn’t even name or look up as our encounters were so fleeting…all set to the audio of piercing sounds like the calls of a hyena all under the wild under a blanket of a million stars at night and the gorgeous ‘go away’ bird by day.  

The glorious pride of lionesses nose nudging each other while falling about sleepily with full McDonalds bellies, cozily falling into one like they’d had a night on the catnip was so endearing. The warthogs were beyond ridiculously playful and cute! The black rhino, the gnus (wildebeests) and the humbling experience of walking with a white rhinoceros that befriended our car for over 20m. Too many rare and wonderful birds to identify! Like, the red and black Southern Ground Hornbill in Eswatini which was around 4ft! Then the incomprehensible immense size of rhinos, hippos and crocodiles and the unpredictable yet serene nature of the water buffalo.  It was so humbling!

 

We didn't just see the Big 5, we experienced them in their natural habitat, a truly truly humbling privilege. Each day, whether under the scorching midday sun or the velvet cloak of night, brought new wonders. The beauty of self-driving was the freedom it afforded us. We could stop and pull-over whenever something demanded our attention, linger in charming small parks and truly soak in the diverse landscapes that unfolded before us, from the dramatic coastlines to the rolling hills of Zululand. Africa has an unimaginably diverse and captivating landscape. One memorable stop was in St. Lucia where hippos wander the streets at night…

Yes...we saw and experienced this with our own eyes (as you can see in the photo) along with a Zulu tribal dance all in the same night! This was also where we landed a puncture in leopard territory (yup, we were looking for leopards of course, a saga that warrants its own write up so, that's next weeks blog my friends!) Was I scared? TBH the nile crocs really gave me pause, these deceptive slow looking evolutionary hybrids give me the chills for sure!

 

Arriving in Joburg 2671 miles later and with only a couple of near death experiences, we carried back to the Cayman Islands with a wealth of unforgettable memories, a deeper appreciation for nature's grandeur, and a profound sense of connection to this incredible world and our planet Earth. Africa, with its raw beauty, its vibrant pulse, and it's incredible wildlife, truly captured our hearts. If you're dreaming of an adventure that will ignite your senses, rejuvenate your spirit, then pack your bags and get off the beaten track in Africa!

 

Who’s on the other side of this screen?

Oh, hello there again, gorgeous human! 👋

Ever wonder who's on the other side of this screen, quietly enjoying the ride, soaking up all the wisdom, wit, and occasional weirdness I pour out? Today, I thought we'd pull back the curtain a little and talk about who you are (yes, you!) and why on earth I keep showing up here to dish out the goods.

So, who are you, my fabulous reader? You're a pretty diverse and incredible bunch of 2k strong, you come from different corners of the globe, different walks of life, different perspectives! Amazing!

I don’t know whether you're young or seasoned, a city dweller, island limer or a country soul, an early bird or a night owl, all I truly know is that you found your way this space! Here’s what I like to think I know. I’m guessing you’re likely the kind of person who perhaps... 

Craves a little sparkle in your Sunday/Monday. You're not content with bland, beige content. You want something that makes you think, laugh, or feel a little lighter. But you aren’t afraid to get real. I do sometimes tackle some serious stuff, and well, I love that you're here for it too. You're open to new perspectives and aren't afraid to dive deep.

I think you probably have a wicked sense of humour because let’s be honest, my humour is definitely an acquired taste, and you, my friend, have acquired it beautifully. You appreciate a dash of sarcasm, a sprinkle of sass and you willingly forgive me for all my grammatical faux pas and jaunty random thoughts, seeing passed my errors and abandonment of structure and style in favour of the authentic! And so whether you're conquering the corporate world, raising tiny humans, pursuing your passion, or just trying to figure out what's for dinner later I think you're probably doing it with flair.

And so the million-dollar question I get asked most often is why don't I monetise this blog? Seriously, my reasons for pouring my heart and soul into this blog are pretty simple, and they have a lot to do with you! Really, yes, it’s because of you! All the people I meet IRL or virtually, every time I hit publish, I picture you all over the world reading it. I imagine a small nod of understanding, maybe a little smile, yup! Knowing that maybe something I wrote resonated with you, helped you, or just brightened your day for a moment, made you think deeply or sent you on a journey of further exploration. You see Blogging has become my creative playground. This blog is where I get to be unapologetically me. It's where I can experiment, be vulnerable, celebrate, and share all the quirky and random thoughts rattling around in my brain. It's my happy place, you're all invited and I’m so grateful you came! Thank you for being here, for reading, and for just being the awesome humans that you are. You make this whole thing worthwhile!

So, as I log-off for the next few weeks to finally travel on safari (a lifelong goal of mine). You know, I’ll return with numerous new inspirations and stories. I’m so excited to be spending time in a new environment, intentionally connecting with nature through my senses. Getting to dance to some afrobeats and amiapiano with the locals and finally getting to use my zulu (which I’ve been learning for the last 6 months).

I’m wishing you well, as you go forth to conquer your day or week or summer vacations, you magnificent humans! And maybe, just maybe, come back for another dose of whatever delightful nonsense I conjure up next … post-safari!

Leadership - Clean & Fresh

As I throw the dirty laundry into the machine this Sunday morning and pause to hear the reassuring sound of the “click” followed by the “woosh” of water and it gets me thinking about how nice it would be if sometimes we humans too could just have a do-over, a fresh rinse that washed away the week on occasion. I know for sure there are leaders who wish they could un-do some aspects of their weeks on occasion. 

I mean leadership is not a nice, straight path, let's be real, it's more like a washer-dryer spin cycle, full of messy washes, intense tumbles, and sometimes, a complete re-do because guess what? You forgot to put in the fabric softener! Or heck, and that pesky red sock found it's way in there!

Maybe sometimes my mind is wayyy too overactive but yup I managed to draw parallels between this week's dirty laundry and leadership. How the heck did I land here?

Things in leadership often start with a "Dirty Laundry" phase (read: challenges and problems). This is when a new problem or even worse an annoyingly reoccurring problem raises its head … a team conflict resulting in a push and shove, or a major project snag. Dirty laundry feels well...messy, chaotic, and sometimes, a bit overwhelming right! 

But leaving it lurking in the corner or trying to conceal it isn't going to work out well, why not? Because it starts to smell bad pretty quickly and well, you've got to confront the dirt head-on. Ignoring it just leaves ingrained stains in the long term … that sometimes never come out!

This is why I always welcome the sound of the "Rinse Cycle" (read: problem solving and iteration). The detergent kicks in! Here’s where we start to apply solutions, there’s the usual detergents, hmmm nope, you might try something cheap, something over-the-top, hit up a expert (for a rough to move stain) and take a recommendation, even tap into something radical - and try some totally different approaches, all ideas gathered from many, many different sources. At first you're trying to wash away the initial grime, but it often takes a few rinses and the application of something just a little bit different from the usual approach to get things truly clean. If you've ever tried Dawn in your whites, then you know! It's all about iteration, learning from mistakes, aiming for, but not being surprised by the lack of perfection on the first try. I mean where the heck did THAT sock come from? You feel like you're making progress and then all of a sudden .... brace, brace, brace...

Get set, it's "High Spin" time (read: high pressure and intense phase). Adrenaline rush much? Yup, somehow an overwhelming urgency crept up and into the whole situation to put it at def-con 4. That tight deadline means a sudden ballerina level pivot is needed, except most leaders aren't ballerina's! I mean sure I did a class or two back in the day but this is moving fast, things are whirring, and it can feel like, well, as a leader you're being wrung out! This phase demands laser focus, quick decision-making (do you continue, is the solution still right, have things gone off-balance, are things (read: costs) spiraling? If you've ever had you washing machine tell you the load is unbalanced, then you'll get the dilemma. As just like laundry, if you try to pull things out too soon, they'll be soaking wet and potentially unmanageable. Are you going to try desperately hard to avoid having to repeat the cycle? What decision is the right decision? Or, do you risk wrecking the machine and let it spin out? It can feel like a game of chicken of audacious dares which may or may not be rewarded by the airing your laundry or tumble dry phase (depending on preferences and what's possible).

Essentially the "Drying phase" (read: processing and reflection) may be welcomed by a soft gentle breeze, sunshine or, the gentle hum of the dryer. This is the crucial cool-down period. It’s about debriefing after a big project, major event, reflecting on what worked (go you!) and what didn't (go you!) and allowing ideas to settle. Without this phase, things remain damp, wrinkled, and ready to gather mildew. This is where real learning happens, and you begin preparing for ... well, the inevitable … the next load.

Personally my favourite part is the "folding and stacking" stage (read: organising and moving forward). There is a real sense of pleasure here for me! Unless, you have unknown unconsidered factors such as an unruly random things that come to knock down your piles. Yup! There may still be some lessons to be learned yet! It’s likely best to put away away as soon as you can, and prepare for the next challenge. 

This is about implementing lessons learned, refining processes, and getting ready to tackle the next "load" of leadership challenges.

Leadership isn't about avoiding the spin cycle, nope, it's about embracing the mayhem. It's an understanding that some days you'll feel like you're in an extra-heavy duty wash, and others, a delicate cycle that leaves everything beautifully clean and fresh. These are the days you’ll love! 

Why is leadership sometimes called a service? Because somedays you'll get "wrung out"! Put simply, every load is different it requires a different setting, or a hot wash to get rid of some lingering issues (read: stinkies). 

Meta-Human Leadership - Mandela

As the world grapples with unprecedented challenges, from climate change to social fragmentation, runaway AI and just downright absolute chaos, the very nature of leadership worldwide, is quite rightly, being called into question. What a week it's been, right!?

If like me, you may be yearning at this stage of the game for the emergence of a figure(s) who can transcend the ordinary, inspire profound change, and guide us towards a more welcoming and harmonious future. As the week has unfolded, I've found myself becoming rather interested in learning on the concept of the meta-human (through guru Deepak Chopra) which leaves me considering where such human led transformative leadership may actually be in today's world? 

The thing is wherever my thoughts on this subject took me over the week, I just simply kept finding myself returning each time to one figure, Nelson Mandela. 

Mandela, meta-human, how you ask? And, well what does that meta-human stuff even mean? 

Well, for me Mandela and his journey, is the embodiment of courage and forgiveness. An inherently meta-human, and profound testament to the power of the human spirit to overcome immense suffering and injustice. Mandela transcended victimhood despite being imprisoned for decades, I mean he absolutely could not have been blamed for succumbing to bitterness and revenge, but no, instead he emerged with an unwavering commitment to reconciliation and unity. It was a conscious choice to operate from a higher level of consciousness, moving beyond the limitations of anger and resentment. 

Then was his power of forgiveness, engaging with his oppressors to build a new nation, perhaps arguably his greatest act of leadership, that broke the cycle of hatred and violence, his willingness to let go of deeply ingrained emotional patterns absolutely aligns with the meta-human idea of disidentifying from ego-driven reactions to hold a collective future in his mind, even when it seemed utterly impossible. This ability to see, not just, beyond individual gain but to operate from a place of universal well-being is a hallmark of evolved consciousness is it not?

You see, the meta-human as someone who consciously goes beyond the limitations of the mind-body and experiences a greater reality, this relates to:

• Questioning reality, challenging assumptions about who we are and what is possible.
• Accessing deeper consciousness, awareness beyond the everyday chatter of the mind.
• Recognising our interconnectedness as part of a larger, interconnected whole.

If we view leadership through the lens of the meta-human, Mandela's unparalleled impact makes great sense to me. His leadership operated from a deeper wellspring of consciousness. He didn't just react to circumstances he responded from a place of profound inner peace and unwavering purpose.

I know this week's blog isn't my usual upbeat and chipper take on events but in our current world, we desperately need leaders who can operate from this meta-human perspective. Not necessarily figures holding down positions of power, but leaders in every sphere of lives, our communities, our workplaces, and our homes. Leaders not enslaved to their egos who can and will put collective well-being above personal gain or recognition. Leaders that can navigate complexity with calm and tap into intuition and wisdom beyond resorting to personal attacks and emotional meltdowns akin to the terrible twos. Leaders that can inspire genuine connection and collaboration. Empathetic and understanding leaders committed to long-term well-being, who prioritise the health of the planet and future generations over short-term profits, quick wins, quantity over quality and popularity polls.

The meta-human journey is a personal one, yet its implications for leadership are profound. Mandela, in his extraordinary life, offered us a glimpse of what such leadership looks like. Perhaps the meta-human is not so much a futuristic concept, but a timeless aspiration, potentially a call for each one of us to awaken to our full potential and, in doing so, to become the leaders the world so desperately needs?

Three baby steps I'm aspiring to take:

i)Identifying my own limiting beliefs. What stories do I tell myself about my capabilities or worth?

ii)Putting myself on ego watch, when do I need to right? seek external validation? react defensively?

iii)Being still and calm. Becoming my own calm during uncertainty and reflect on my true purpose?

I'm going deep people!

What’s your story?

We all have times, socially or in our working lives when we need to spark up a conversation with someone right? Where to start? Three words ... Similarity Attraction Effect. 

The fact is when it comes to meeting people, we do like people who have similar interests and motivations to us, so, when sparking up a convo an easy place to start is with a context relevant question. 

Why? 

Well, we're kinda hoping to find authentic reasons to like people, it's like detecting one little thing we might have in common, it builds shared values (aka: meet the ‘thread theory’). So, start with the one guaranteed thing you know you have in common? The situation or context you find yourself in. That could be "Wow, this is my first time in this venue, how about you?" At a party it might be "How do you like the jello shots? Or "Ohh, that coffee looks great". If you were in my ILM3 class this week "Wow, this module though, tough or what?! How are you finding keeping on top of the assignments?"

When we make the effort to take the leap and spark up a conversation with someone it's like we're building threads, and the more threads, the more connected we are. And it's reassuringly simple maths (TBH the only kind I can do) it says the more sparks you create, the greater the likelihood of connecting1 It's networking at its finest! 

You might be that kind of a person naturally, make yourself do it intentionally or be like most people and learn how to do it!

Lessons in spiritual intelligence (SI) and emotional intelligence (EI) can take us wayyyy deeper though in building connections and meeting new people by fostering far deeper self-awareness, empathy, and a more presence.

SI is self-awareness of your values, purpose, and beliefs, which forms a strong foundation for authentic social interactions. Do you encourage compassion, empathy, and understanding towards others, promote prosocial behaviours like kindness and tolerance? This is a sign of your SI! How far do you help/challenge individuals to see and value the uniqueness of others and their stories, this reduces fear and opens the space for genuine connection! Respecting others’ perspectives, also improves communication and supports conflict resolution. Me, myself, I truly believe we are all interconnected, so to cause harm to you, is to harm myself! Why the heck would I intentionally do that? We all have our values, beliefs, what are yours? What is the code you live by?

EI is developing empathy, the ability to truly understand and share others' feelings, which also builds trust and respect in new relationships. Again, self-awareness is key as it opens our minds to emotional management and presenting ourselves authentically and confidently in social settings. EI is developed by improving social skills such as active listening, emotional regulation, and effective communication, again, essential for networking and forming real bonds. Allowing us to navigate social situations with grace, turning initial encounters into meaningful collaborations or new friendships. Knowing all this doesn't translate to doing it though...hence it's always a proverbial work in progress or even better - a work in practice, to land powerful questions that fit who you are and build connections.

“What’s your story?” This is an awesome powerful question that lends itself to so many contexts and invites others to share their experiences, wherever to happen to meet a new someone, it helps foster SI and EI, a sincere presence and connection beyond superficial small talk. Don't get it twisted, I’m not dissing small talk! I just know many people reading this are looking to really connect on a deeper level BUT if this is too heavy, start with a light touch instead, it’s literally a numbers game my friends!

I know I've mentioned this before, (but metrics tell me new people are following my blog every week 👋) … Research shows the most popular people (read: the cool kids) are those who actually just ‘like’ people themselves (it's nothing to do with being more athletic, smarter, attractive, extroverted, or funnier). Therefore, being liked back just comes from a genuine operating place of people just liking one another people! I just love this fun-fact so much! It sure is interesting stuff to know about! 

So, if you're curious, how do you learn how to like people if it's not your natural operating mode? Well one good piece of advice when you're asked the usual mundane things e.g. "What do you do?" "Where are you from?" You know the usual socially scripted questions...flip the script and make things interesting my friends! Verbal games anyone? 

Where am I from? 

Guess? 

What do I do for work? 

Guess? 

Be like, OMG how dare you? And then guess back, sometimes you might even get it right. Go you!! You can have a whole fun back and forth, totally changing the dynamics of a conversation. I really like this recommendation from VanEdwards (Coms Guru). Try it!

And finally, here’s something to ask yourselves, as your oh so clever brain really needs to ascertain - do I feel safe to share my real answer? Do I feel safe to answer something that's not on the social script? Do I feel safe to not be interesting and/or disinteresting? This is the secret sauce and were the people lovers do extremely well, their 'love all' attitude makes others feel safe around them and that builds those genuine connects!