Fear States

What is about masks that I'm so sensitive to? Why do some people not want to be seen? Is it a form of self-protection or a way to reject mainstream notions of to be accepted we must be seen? I'm sure psychologists have a lot to say.

People in masks sets my nerves on edge and even brings me night terrors. Even a trailer for a movie involving a mask is enough to send me over the edge and while I seem a sensitive soul I'm also really not a sensitive soul, you'll find I happily dress up and partake in Halloween celebrations, I just love it as a social endeavour, but a mask! A mask will just tip me over the edge of reason!?

I hear emotional baggage comes in many forms, and pragmatically speaking, all fear is a mechanism designed to keep me safe, isn't it? However, it's also true that our brains tell us whatever we need to hear to keep us safe!

Thinking of brains, perhaps it was it that childhood exposure to the movie Zombie Flesh Eaters which has traumatised me, I can safely say, it's one thing I cannot blame on the pandemic, I was disarmed by masks long before the pandemic poured further kerosene onto my fears. 

My husband loves horror, it's one thing even after 30years we can't agree on. He's tried all kinds of subtle and less subtle tactics over the years, and to be fair I have graduated to vampires (as long as they aren't wearing masks of course). But honestly, immersing myself in fear-based horror scenarios is the opposite of my idea of fun, while he will gladly devote hours to what he describes as thrilling and adrenaline-fuelled entertainment. 

Yet, this is the same man that screams like a baby if a small frog the size of a shirt button should appear when we are walking our dog. Different emotional baggage? If I was to offer some of the same exposure therapy to frogs I truly believe he may entirely lose his mind!

We all have fears, for some reason, all I can safely state with confidence is that it is a complex emotion for sure and is one that has always played a crucial role in our human survival ... that fight or flight response sure influences our behaviour in so many weird and wonderful ways. 

There are fears I've tackled (sky-diving, swimming with sharks, biking down a volcano) and fears which are no-go's (masks) and fears which hold me back. I’m sure the same is true for you my reader?

Interested in digging even deeper?

I never knew until yesterday that there are 5 generic human fears sorted into a fear-pyramid, did you? Interested? I was!

'Extinction', as the label belies extends beyond existing it's what makes my husbands legs go wobbly when he stands at the edge of a tall building, why you grip your arm rests when the plan lands.

'Mutilation' is aside from the obvious, how I may rationalise my man's frog issues, as mutilation includes the invasion of our bodily boundaries, do you remember vividly that encounter you had with that flying cockroach or spider?

Then there is 'Loss of Autonomy', a loss of control that extends into our social and personal relationships!

Good old 'Separation' which actually includes the silent treatment! That one can drive some people to distraction. Weaponised by teens the world over!

And finally 'Ego Death' sits at the very very top! Yup that fear of humiliation and embarrassment is absolutely real! Fear of public speaking is no joke! We all want to be lovable and worthy! 

There's that famous Roosevelt quote "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." Rationalising fear, definitely offers us self-knowledge. Fear is information, a feedback loop to ourselves, a mirror we can choose to look into and learn about ourselves, if we dare.

Dating

In chatting with younger friends, it's pretty clear the world of dating feels like a giant existential question mark for some of them. What does it even mean to be a man or partner these days? Spoiler alert, it’s definitely complicated! Sure, we’re all about equality now, but let’s not pretend men are carbon copies of each other. Masculine energy, feminine energy, whether you're rocking a beard or a beauty blender, men have got different vibes going on…

 

Some guys can be as emotionally deep as the Cayman Trench (deeper than Mount Everest is tall) … just like some can throw down when needed. We’ve all evolved. I mean, look at women! Back in Roman times, we were basically property, couldn’t own anything, sign contracts, vote, and let’s not even talk about violence being perfectly legal. Fast forward to 2018, in Saudi women are finally allowed to drive. Progress? Sure. But in terms of gender and sexuality access to education, jobs, and basic human rights is still a hot mess in way too many parts of the world.

 

Meanwhile, guys, you’ve always had your own macho struggles too, being sent off to every war and conflict like it’s your duty. Surprise! Turns out, that’s not so great for your mental health either!

 

Now let’s get into the juicy stuff ... our gloriously messed-up digital world. Honestly, social media and dating apps make dating feel like we’re shopping for people on Shein. Swipe left, swipe right, “I like this one, no wait, that one, ugh, next!”, it’s all so transactional. 

We’re treating humans like we’re picking out a new pair of shoes. And don’t even get me started on how we’re judging one another based on the most surface-level nonsense like our bodies, gender roles etc, No wonder so many feel psychologically unsafe.

 

Is this unhealthy? Absolutely. Polarising? You bet. How are we all so connected yet so painfully alone? 

 

Yes, society has evolved. But the price tag? Instant gratification, zero patience, and distractability leaving attention spans shorter than a TikTok. And here’s the kicker, there’s so much individual variation within each gender that the whole "men are this, women are that" conversation is old. We’re all walking, talking contradictions. Maybe it’s time we stop overgeneralising and, I don’t know, treat people like unique individuals. 

My motto? Love all!

Mental Health

Isn’t it awful even cruel that the first symptom of a mental health issue is a loss of insight, that you actually lose the clarity that something is going wrong.

Unless you are super self-aware then you have to trust, hope and/or pray, that someone from your family and friend circle has got your back and will tell you straight saying, “Marie, what's going on like you're…”
·       working like a maniac
·       drinking too much, overeating
·       aren’t sleeping enough
·       stopped going to the gym
·       haven’t washed today
·       aren’t socialising
·       don't seem happy
·       aren’t yourself
“… I’m worried about you.”

If you’ve ever had previous experiences (I can personally tick all of the above) then you might just be lucky and recognise the signs next time because you’ve been there before.

There were always evolutionary reasons for humans to be stressed, but what's really changed is that the threats now, are psychological things like your partner leaving you, losing your job, your friends not liking you anymore, worrying that you have enough of an income just for the things that you need to keep your basic life on the road. 

Check out the four self-reported reasons for stress stats. Number 1 is … money and number 2 - work.
I had an experience myself with bullying at work where I became extremely stressed, I couldn't even talk to my partner, I just couldn't handle it. I was so burnt out and I thought though that I just wasn't working hard enough. My constant (albeit crooked thinking at the time) was like, I gotta do better. I'm not doing well enough and that all just burnt me out even more. The situation was like a slow train wreck and so many people saw all the signs but few said the words, “I’m worried about you.” It literally broke me and took me a really long-time to move out and off from that. 
Number 3 on the list is health something becoming more of an issue with the passing years. Number 4 is social discrimination and isn’t your identity is at the heart of all you are? 

Here are 3 Things you can you do for you … (and others …)
   1) Connect with people … (inclusively ...)
   2) Learn your own signs of stress … (and be aware of those of the people in your circle ...)
   3) Explore and learn what destresses you, and build those activities into your life … (be there as a support for others ...)
I find for me, when I get myself into a spot, these days, it's very simple things that bring me back from the brink - talking, drinking more water, music, dancing, a nap, a walk, getting bare-foot and going to the beach, taking an Epsom salt bath, getting on a pool floatie in the sunshine and if I’m still not doing great I now know that’s my cue to take a quick break, even if I just take two days off and switch off … I’ll make myself drink mint tea, eat well, read, lounge, chill with my dog, do some self-massage, and begin slowing down and getting some rest. Two days can make a big difference in being able to reset yourself by helping the resetting of your nervous system and help with calming down stress hormones.

Start today making a note of what you think helps regulates your nervous system and work to gradually incorporate more of these de-stressors into your life, and of course, if you’re worried about yourself or someone else, always seek support.
       

 

The Brain, Love and Intimacy

So, you're probably wondering how two people like us ended up in this tropical paradise, living our best blessed and loved-up lives...and how exactly did we become the "vybz couple"?

Well, let's just say it was a chemical reaction that started back in 1993. You know, when your eyes lock across the dancefloor in the club, your heart skips a beat, and you start wondering if you're hallucinating or if this is actually happening? 
Yep, that's the power of love chemicals!
It was like back in the day ... 

Dopamine the reward chemical that gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling when you're around your special someone. It's like your brain is saying, "Hey, this person is awesome! Keep them around!" It’s like that burst of joy when you get a notification that’s happy news! 
Oxytocin the cuddle hormone that makes you feel close and connected. It's like your body is saying, "We're a team now, and we're sticking together, we got each other." It’s an awesome feeling! 
Serotonin? The feel-good chemical that helps to regulate your mood and reduce stress. It's like your brain is saying, "Relax, everything's gonna be okay."

So, how do we keep our love strong after all these years? 31 and counting.
💓We hold hands most of the time. It's like a constant reminder that we're still into each other. 
💓 We sustain eye contact and smile more often than not. It's our way of saying, "I'm still here for you, and I'm still thinking you're hot." 
💓We touch frequently. Hugs, cuddles, and even just a gentle touch on the arm can go a long way. It's like a secret language that only we understand.

I believe people just pick up all these good vybz from us. The name stuck also I’m a die hard Vybz Kartal fan!

Want to feel some extra love in your relationship? 
Start by intentionally boosting oxytocin (your love and bonding hormone) by increasing your physical touch. Holding hands, hugs, cuddles and staring into each other's eyes are all small yet easy ways to do this. The more positive and stronger your relationship is with your partner, the greater the oxytocin release will be. 
Hey, how ‘bout a hug? Share the love! I find most people I meet will naturally embrace me. If in doubt I ask, because biologically hugging is all round good for you! A 20-second hug can decrease pain, reduce stress, and help regulate moods. It's like a free therapy session! When people say "vybz couple" and can't quite put their finger on what it is they love, I'm convinced it's all those feel-good hormones (read: vibes). Because oxytocin is the well-known ringmaster of social bonding and connection! (Yes, the circus is in town!)

Single? Try these ones for starters! 
- Massage, including self-massage, can stimulate oxytocin production. Try it!

- Interacting with pets or even taking a hot bath can trigger the release of oxytocin (it's like a warm embrace), no, a shower won't have the same effect. So, indulge yourself and stay connected!