My Door is Always Open

I confess, I am socially excitable and definitely impulsive in general conversations BUT when it comes to actual coaching I am to be regarded as a bit of a fanatic regarding the impact of truly listening. For some leaders today listening is sometimes viewed as a brief, agonising intermission between their own monologues and a tactical pause of eagerly lunging to the point. The door may be open but perhaps the mind and heart might not be (it's definitely not easy to be a leader!)

I’ve had many over the years tell me they’re coaching and listening well and I’ve begged to differ, contrary to popular belief active listening (which is most times what leaders believe is all is takes) sits at level 4 of 6 of the levels of listening.

I make a big deal out of it in terms of my coaching facilitation with leaders because true listening is a neurological event and it matters. You know when you’re being genuinely heard because it triggers a chemical flood that would make a pharmacist blush. Oxytocin rushes in, lowering the drawbridge of the threat response and allows daring ideas and honest feedback to pass through. The high empathy of the leader means the followers brain begins to sync (neural coupling) and the impact is that you feel safe and unguarded. 

Let's be honest the moment a speaker realises someone isn't really fully listening their amygdala's go into a full-scale nuclear alert. It perceives those folded arms, wandering eyes, feet pointed to the door as a threat to social survival. As a listener you haven't just missed a point, you’ve effectively told someone's brain they are being hunted by a predator (dramatic IKR - but the speaker simply is not feeling safe enough). 

Real listening though, and  I have to be honest, it is a bit of a mental circus, getting to level 6 is a bit like trying to play a pipe organ while riding a unicycle. To do it well, you have to coordinate a seriously chaotic internal cast consisting of your Auditory Cortex which is sweating over the language processing. Your Mirror Neurons which are doing a frantic interpretative dance to mimic a speaker’s emotions. While your Prefrontal Cortex is that exhausted security guard, physically wrestling your inner critic and voice into a headlock to keep it from interrupting over the other person. It's genuinely hard work and cognitive heavy lifting to pull-off the trifecta!

Watching someone listen can be like watching a small child try to hide a stolen tuba behind their back, the strained expression, the nodding with opposing non-verbal's deceive no one, and the resulting 'impact' is usually… well kinda “meh!”

The lesson is simple, be present, listen magnetically with your heart and mind!