Playful not Painful

Using humour in dating reportedly makes a person appear more attractive or intelligent. In the longer-term how does humour in a relationship play-out?

I mean, let’s be real all relationships short and long hit a few bumps and misunderstandings from a playful joke or two. Joking around at any age or stage of a relationship is totally normal. Afterall, making one another laugh can be the secret sauce that keeps things fun and bonded. That light-hearted teasing (read: flirting) keeps the attraction alive. And then teasing around your inside jokes can result in all kinds of happy, love reward chemicals being created. Indeed, it is said that couples who laugh together often report higher satisfaction in their relationship. I feel I can vouch for this!

But when that “funny” line gets crossed into something mean-spirited, it’s no longer fun — it’s a potential problem.

At its worst "harmless" joking around might leave emotional bruises, perhaps making the recipient feel insecure over time. Jokes about your partner’s hair, cooking skills, or weird ways, at first, perhaps - no biggie, BUT over time, those "funny" comments can build resentment, making things feel less like a loving partnership and more like a silent battle zone, triggering the fight/flight response.

Wondering if your playful back-and-forth has crossed a line? Here’s a couple of my personal no-no's (read: humour boundaries).

• Mocking your partner about their looks or their intelligence.
• Insulting (making fun) of family or friends. Not a good look. You’re creating unnecessary tension and throwing shade where it’s not needed.
• Teasing as a way to criticise (insult) or vent frustration. Teasing is meant to be lighthearted, not loaded.
• Targeting known insecurities or past traumas. Never use humour as a weapon. Not cool!

Note, it can be really uncomfortable to observe socially your boundaries being crossed within other peoples relationships too, e.g. we find it really hard if not impossible to stomach others bad humour especially relationships in which you notice one partners sense-of-humour is causing a little more friction than fun. This can be harder though to see in ourselves? I'm here to help! We all have our blind spots! 

• Ask your partner right now - "Hey, I was wondering - do I ever take my jokes and teasing too far?"
• "I want to make sure I'm not teasing you in a way that bothers you - how do you feel about my teasing?"

Depending on the answer it may be time to hit pause and reevaluate. Knowing your partners humour-boundaries is crucial. Everyone is different, some people love a little playful teasing, others? Not so much. Paying attention and adjusting accordingly is going to be really important for your relationship to survive, nope, strike that - thrive!

Because life is full of those moments when everything that can go wrong does, but it’s exactly those chaotic messes that when handled with appropriate humour (read: don’t panic people) that some of the most treasured and laughed about memories are made. Think about it: the time I spilled that extra- large coffee all over our entirely white room hotel room bed/carpet/wall in Hawaii! Or trying to free our rental car from that locked lot on New Years Day and ending up in the police station. Then, there was that bed we broke in Fuerteventura! Oh my! These aren’t just mishaps; they’re the stuff of legendary stories and belly laughs. So, having a loving and good humoured relationship is vital for the next time life decides to throw your relationship a curveball, just remember: it’s all about perspective. Keep that humour sharp and those memories will become the highlights of your life’s relationship shared story.

When handled right, and done right, mishaps and jokes are a fantastic bonding experience. So, keep it light, keep it loving, and keep it about the laughs to bring you closer. If your idea of fun is causing more hurt than laughter, it’s time to dial it back and not make your partner feel like they’re the punchline.

Remember, fun times should lift up, not knock down!