Mind Cart Carnage

Did you know that once you add something to your cart (online or IRL), it starts to feel like yours? Psychologists call this the endowment effect! Once it’s in there, you start to picture yourself with it and before you know it you’re on the hook. At this time of year, with Black Friday deals galore - it’s personal people!

I get myself into absolute knots asking myself, am I really saving money, or is this just marketing? If you’ve ever had the “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” conundrum, well welcome to the club! Black Friday doesn’t just encourage this chaos in the mind; it actually survives and thrives on it. It’s the one of those times of year when perfectly sane adults are prepared to physically fight and/or get up at 4am for a discounted toaster – but why?

There are many psychological tricks at play. Let’s look at three!

1.      FOMO is real, people – read the sign … ONLY TWO LEFT! LIMITED SUPPLY! ONLY WHILE STOCKS LAST! ONE DAY ONLY!

OMG. Suddenly, your pulse quickens, your palms sweat, and your brain screams, “buy, buy.”

It’s marketing at its best. Scarcity triggers a fear of missing out (FOMO), making us panic-buy like it’s Black Friday or bust. Psychologists call it loss aversion, which is fancy talk for “missing out hurts”. Ahhh, the proverbial one that got away! 

2.      Social Proof = Your Frenemy

You weren’t even planning to shop Black Friday, but then you see your friend’s IG… Ever heard of a bandwagon? Well, this is the called the bandwagon effect. If my friends are in on it, shouldn’t I be, too? 

Crowded stores, trending hashtags, influencer posts, live radio reports, the hype creates social proof, making you think, if everyone’s doing it, it must be good. It is a contagion!

3.      The Illusion of “Savings”

The Black Friday Jedi mind trick that rules them all - the price! That $399 TV with the “original price” of $799? It’s truly possible that the $799 price point never actually existed. Retailers love to slap inflated prices next to discounts to make you feel like you’re getting a deal, a steal even. Meanwhile, you’re too busy high-fiving yourself to realise you just dropped $400 on a TV you probably didn’t even need.

So, what to do? 

First, let’s all take a deep breath! Black Friday might be a jungle of marketing and psychological mind games, but you don’t have to fall for them. Here are three tips to reclaim your sanity and to actually score a deal!

• Plan your buys. Make a list (and check it twice). Tis the season! Know what you need and check price histories – is that “deal” actually a deal?
• Ask yourself, do I need this, or do I just want it or want the dopamine rush of a “bargain”?
• And remember, the best savings might just be the dollars you don’t spend!

Rewired

It was once thought that by the time you stopped physically growing so did your brain. Not true. However, do you ever find yourself locked into the same repetitive thoughts? Or facing another version of the same issue? Have you seen or heard of Erikson’s stages of Psychosocial Development?

Erikson's model shows us that as we grow through each stage of life there maybe potential crisis that we meet and potential outcomes and virtues arising from each stage which can shape our self-perception for years to come. 

What is one repeated negative thought that you have about yourself? 

What virtues show up in your life?

Let's take self-doubt. I mean, who hasn’t had moments of self-doubt, those niggling thoughts that whisper, "I’m not good enough"?

The difference is, these moments stretch far beyond mere moments in time, for instance, it is not uncommon for me to encounter in my work, a really high performing individual who is tirelessly striving to prove themselves competent at the absolute highest level, because they harbour huge self-doubt; fear they are not good enough; not competent enough. They punish themselves needlessly striving to be absolutely perfect. Labels are applied such as, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, control freak and micro manager etc. The constant grind of self-doubt impacts all dimensions of their live; their ability to relate to others, how they prioritise (fail to empower and seek control), their relationships, ability to let-go and have fun, as behaviours are based on feelings of self-worth (which lurch up and downlike a yo-yo).

Here’s the good news, our brains aren’t static, they’re dynamic, ever-evolving organs capable of incredible change. This is where neuroplasticity comes in. Just like a muscle, our brains capacity to learn, adapt and grow is immense, and with intention and practice our brains, moreover, you have the power to rewire your brain and overcome negative thought patterns, like self-doubt, mistrust etc. 

1. Becoming aware is the key! 

• reflecting on Erickson’s diagram may help

• asking yourself, what is the negative thought(s) I constantly have? 

• keeping a note of reoccurring thoughts or themes

• engaging with a coach or someone really close for a candid conversation

• if you are in a position of management seeking 360 feedback 

2. With awareness, you may begin to notice your thought patterns, and when and where they show up as well as their impact. Then you may want to consider how to start challenging yourself, even setting goals to e.g. cultivate a more positive mindset for a happier you.

• We are all capable of adjusting our perceptions it just may take a little effort as your neural pathways, are likely deeply ploughed and carved out. Think of them as toll-free, fast-track superhighways that you have used daily perhaps for decades. So creating a new path, think of an untouched field of tall thick grass, with not even a clear path laid out, you will have to intentionally forge a path through it and use it repeatedly or the grass will regrow, this is how good intentions are lost, because your brain will want to jump onto the superhighway, it's the proverbial path of least resistance, even if the super-highway no longer serves the way of life you desire or seek. 
• Try this - brush your teeth or write with your non-dominant hand - it's hard right!? You have to really think about it, it takes a lot of effort, your brain is urging you to do what you've always done, you have to consciously reject that urge to finish brushing or writing, likely your hand/arm aches a little - but with practice and intention you will get good at it!

3. This is why practices like, writing goals down and having vision boards that you refer to often are considered good practices, as they visually support the brain and keep you conscious of what you actually want, otherwise, your brain will just seek the path of least resistance.

The takeaways? 

• Don’t be misled into thinking oh, I'll never be able to change because honestly your brain shouldn't be something you feel hopeless about. 
• You really can change, be it; your thinking, your career, your relationships, your resilience, ability to trust - throughout your life, the ability to get rewired is a beacon of hope to be embraced!

5 Ways in Which I Try To Live My Best Life

Why do I take it as a humongous compliment when someone tells me I'm a "cool person". 

Cause I know it isn't about money, (as honestly, I really don't have any) or 

expensive possessions (have you seen the car I drive?) 

I believe it’s more about cultivating genuine respectful connections, 

being a compassionate human and exuding confidence.

So here goes, 5 ways I ‘try’ to live my best life!

Be Here Now

In my 20s I was introduced to the idea of 'Be Here Now', it was so powerful and stayed with me as an aspiration, wherever and whoever I'm with I aspire to be fully activated and engaged. I try! Being curious and listening shows respect and is the foundation of understanding others. Not easy, for me as I’m hearing impaired, so I’ve had to really learn to tune into people and try to read the non-verbals too, I think being present is such a powerful tool though for building new relationships, activating empathy and strengthening existing relationships. 

Kindness and Jai Yen

Be there for humanity, both in good and hard times, if you can help or support another, do it. It may cost you a little something or nothing, but I guarantee it will make you feel connected in ways you never imagined. Gratitude, appreciation and patience goes a very long way absolutely everywhere in the world I've lived, worked or travelled to. Patience in my view, is seriously under-rated as a virtue that can help you navigate many of life's challenges, when I lived and worked in Thailand Jai-Yen (Cool Heart) was the only way to get things done. The mere sniff of Jai Rawn (Hot Heart) shut people down. Calmly being there for others boosts positive emotions and reduces your own stress. I feel that there are so many things in the world today that we are hostage to, and that can cause us distress - so I try to practice a cool heart and kindness - to be a positive force for good. Plus, kindness triggers the release of oxytocin.

Smile! Laugh! Be a Good Sport!

It's simple, humour releases endorphins, which can improve our mood, reduce stress as well as make us more relatable. Couple good humour with sportsmanship and just say yes and then laugh it off afterwards. I think when we don’t take ourselves too seriously it makes us more likeable, and things in life just go smoother for us when people like us! I’m naturally very smiley, energetic and enthusiastic so I have to dial this one back on occasion, for as long as I can recall I have been picked out of crowds for all manner of shenanigans I just have that face!

Embrace Failure 

Stepping outside of your comfort zone stimulates your brain and expands your horizons. Think of the amazing people you might meet, the awesome experiences you could have and opportunities that may open up for you! Failure gets a bad rap, and it shouldn't. Failure is simply to be expected, healthy and should be normalised as part of the human experience. I’ve had many set-backs and fails enough to fuel blog content for a year! Failure offers us growth and insight into ourselves, giving us a valuable learning opportunity and when coupled with a positive attitude can attract positive people and experiences. Think of the things you could do!

Confidence?

Setting boundaries helps you prioritise and reduce stress. When you enforce your own boundaries, you feel better about yourself and boost your self-esteem. Facts! Plus, confidence is an attractive quality (ask anyone!) Your body language speaks volumes. And so, it goes without saying that effective communication helps with your confidence and in turn your ability to create and sustain healthy relationships. Consider, what do you look like when you are happy? Aim for this! 

Confidence largely comes from trust, you trust your predispositions (character) and your potential (character) enough to get through situations a-z. Think about when you're at your happiest, nothing can burst your bubble, bring you down and you're more willing to have a go and let things go. You most likely assume positive intent from the world and are seeing the world through a lens of positivity and possibilities.

So, ask yourself, what things can I put into place in my life that would make me feel like the world is a safe place for me to be the best version of myself. 

Novelty and creating a shared story

So, in one of my previous blogs, I shared a few simple ways couples can tap into that natural love high by triggering oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This week, I’m diving into the magic of shared experiences. You know, the kind where you turn to your partner and say, “Remember that time we…?”

As a couple who basically does everything together (seriously, we’re talking synchronized pant wearing levels of togetherness), I started wondering: does doing all these things together really bring us closer? Or are we just becoming eerily alike in every possible way?

Think about your own adventures with your partner – joining a gym together (making each other regret going too hard on leg day), cooking something ambitious (competitive chopping), or hiking a trail (and figuring out one of you just throws the map out the window and is way too impulsive). Maybe you’ve tried surfing? (Yup - you’ve learned one of you is a potential pro surfer and the other (me) has learned to respect the ocean, read: there was a lot of face planting).

These experiences, as I’ve discovered, aren’t just fun; they’re actually ways of strengthening neural pathways between you and your partner. And yes, that really does bring you closer together! Our brains sync up, literally – it’s kinda like upgrading from bluetooth to full, unbreakable wi-fi. Who doesn’t want wi-fi? Suddenly, you’re more deeply connected in ways only the two of you get! 

Take the simple joys, like cozy nights in. There’s something magical about listening to music, binge-watching a show, or my personal favourite – staying up all night talking about anything and everything. These moments are the oxytocin factories of love! And when you add a new experience into the mix, your brains create a unique memory, that becomes your own secret code, understood only by the two of you. Maybe, you even invent whole new words, phrases or patterns of behaviour that only the two of you understand and that supports that connection even more!

My partner has this thing where he loves when I rub his forehead in a very specific way (don’t ask me why; it’s like our relationship’s secret handshake)!

So, next time you’re planning a date night or getaway, yes, you’re having fun, but you’re also doing some deep-level relationship bonding. I can’t encourage you enough to get out there, go to new places, meet new people and try something new! Besides, nothing says "relationship goals" like two people trying something new for the first time while pretending not to be terrified!