Thankful for our happy ever after

"What's our secret?" Our friends see the happily ever after and assume it's some kind of magic.

Let's start with the part everyone asks about…the physical connection! Of course the honeymoon phase of any marriage inevitably ends, and the years (if you are blessed) fill with kids, travelling, careers, mortgages, and more 'adult' responsibilities than you can count. It would be way too easy to let intimacy become a luxury, But physical touch, even just casually holding hands through to that (ahem) passionate embrace, is the very foundation and language of love. It’s definitely a vital part of our communication, connection, and joy. 

The big secret? Never let physical connection fade into the background.

However the real language of love is, ultimately for me it’s the collection of micro-moments of positive connection between us that sustains our happiness. The fleeting, small, joyful states are like tiny, emotional bursts of harmony, they are brief, but their cumulative effect builds (read: positivity resonance theory). IRL to outsiders looking in, it looks like we mutually feel a genuine sense of warmth, safety, and investment in the other person at the same time, yup, our biological and behavioural systems (like heart rate, gestures, and tone of voice) momentarily synchronize and we move and feel as one! These micro-moments of love don't require intimacy or longevity. 

The big secret? It’s the sheer frequency of small brief moments of synergy, not there intensity, that truly matters!

A happy marriage isn’t a conflict-free marriage, you knew that already. That’s a myth. Although in truth, we truly seldom argue, that doesn't mean we've not had heated discussions over everything from finances to folding laundry. What we’ve learned though is to reframe conflict so we aren't enemies, but a team trying to find a solution, it can change everything. It's not "me against you" it's "us against the problem." We focus on communicating and understanding each other's perspective, not winning.

The secret? We've learned to listen more than we speak, and to always, always assume the best of one anothers intentions.

It's a beautiful thing to build a shared life, and grand gestures are great, but tbh in my humble view, a long and happy marriage is built on a mountain of small, intentional acts. It’s him carrying the luggage, the spontaneous ostrich text to say "I love you" in the middle of a busy workday. It's remembering my fav snack from the store. It's the hand-squeezes in the car, the inside jokes, and the quiet moments of sitting on the couch without saying a word, simply enjoying each other's presence. 

I have profound gratitude and respect for the person standing beside me and maybe that stands atop of everything. Every morning I wake up I am so thankful because everyday I get to keep the love alive in the smallest yet most meaningful ways and after 28 years, it's still the best choice I make on a daily basis. Because maybe the truth is, I guess it is kinda magic, but it's the kind you make yourself, one day at a time. 

My Mild Traumatic Brain Injury

This year has taught me more about myself than any professional development seminar ever. Remember at the end of 2024 when I fainted in the shower? Well the concussion left my brain as shook up as a snow globe. 

Despite initially laughing at my inability to tell left from right, it became abundantly clear to my nearest and dearest that the brain I have always relied on for cognition, hyper-focus, all night socialising and rapid processing, well, was not quite on its A-game (read: back to front, upside down and inside out … on a good day! Long story made short, I was diagnosed with a mild traumatic brain injury. Even for the externally optimistic (such as myself) this took my breath away!

Yup, the mTBI accompanied by my old friend ADHD and new friend M-pause, really has served-up a growth spurt in 2025 like no other! 

Part of my journey has been engaging in neurofeedback, which is basically brain training. If you imagine for a moment that your brain isn't just a squishy organ but instead is the lead guitarist in a massive rock band. Sometimes, it’s totally shredding the perfect solo (focused, calm, happy, next level), then suddenly just tunes out in the middle of the solo (distracted, stressed, forgetful, over-loaded and flooded). 

The music our brains make is based on brainwaves and tiny electrical impulses that are always firing. For anyone struggling with things like an mTBI, ADHD, insomnia, pain, etc. neurofeedback can be revolutionary! The small, non-invasive sensors (like little microphones) are placed on your scalp (see above photo). They don't put anything in your brain, they just listen to the brainwaves your brain is already producing.

The sensors are plugged into a computer program. You sit back and watch something on screen, maybe a spaceship, a calming image, literally any video can be utilised. The cool thing is that your brainwaves are the controller! When your brain starts making the calm, focused brainwaves you need (like a good Alpha rhythm), the screen might get bigger, brighter, the sound might get louder, or the spaceship move forward. That's your brain’s reward!

If your brain drifts, gets distracted or anxious then the screen shrinks, the sound dips, or the spaceship stalls. That's your brain’s cue to adjust. The coolest part? You don't consciously tell your brain to be calmer. Your brain figures it out! The unconscious brain is like "Hey, every time I produce the 'calm focus' rhythm, I get a brighter screen. I like the brighter screen! I'm going to do more of that." (Reward! Yup… we really are simple creatures!)

Through repetitions, your brain learns to make those desired, required healthy (read: typical/normative) brainwave patterns automatically, essentially rewiring itself, even when you're not in a neurofeedback session.

Neurofeedback has made me calmer and happier. It is a mental workout that gives your brain a mirror and a goal!

I’ve always absolutely loved learning and so this intervention has been brilliant for me! 2025 has been a personal Everest of a year, I have learned more than I ever imagined about myself, my gifts and my strengths and above all the importance of celebrating the victories and small wins! Still a #workinprogress as 2026 approaches but have come so far in 2025.

Attuned Leadership

Attuned leadership in the ancient form, is reflected in the principles of Ubuntu, (an African humanist philosophy) that says, "I am because you are, you are because we are." 

In a world that can feel disconnected and overwhelming, attuned leadership offers a human-centred approach that focuses on building deeper, more meaningful relationships. It's a way to lead that honours our shared humanity, respects the unique needs of individuals, and focuses on building a stronger, more resilient community for everyone. It's an approach that feels right at home, especially here in the Caribbean, where community and connection are at the heart of culture. 

Standing on four core pillars that translate whether you're on a small island or in a bustling city. The foundation of attuned leadership is self-attunement (read: knowing yourself) also BTW the premise of many evidence-based leadership approaches, knowing thyself before you lead others, means being aware of your own values, biases, and emotional state. Why? Because a leader who knows their own strengths and weaknesses is far better equipped to guide their team with humility and integrity, and...knowing oneself is the foundation to follower attunement. 

Follower attunement is all about listening, understanding and connecting with the people you lead. Think coach level listening skills though, truly tuning in and listening to others needs, aspirations, and perspectives. This is also where empathy comes in and a leader who practices follower attunement builds trust, creates safety and inspires loyalty. 

Ethical conduct and leading with integrity aren’t just buzzwords they’re the next building block (think: Nelson Mandela level transformational). 

Being able to inspire and motivate people by connecting with their higher values, this practice is a form of attunement that has a profound ability to represent the collective ethic of ones followers and achieve transformation. For attuned leaders operate with a strong moral compass and demonstrate ethical conduct in every decision they make and because their actions align with demonstrated values … respect and credibility are earned.

In today's fast-paced world, the attuned leader like the rest of the human race, must be able and willing to adapt to change (read: agility). Therefore the fourth pillar requires an attuned leader to be flexible, ready to navigate complex situations and adjust their approach as needed. By staying responsive attuned leaders are able to guide their team through uncertainty. 

Neuroscience physically shows us what ancient and great leaders have always known in their guts, our nervous systems are wired for connection, and when people feel safe and understood, the possibilities are limitless. Is it time for a tune-up?

A Hot Take on Hormones

Welcome to a biological briefing for the bewildered! Manopause, Peri-Menopause and Menopause! These “pauses” are profound, powerful shifts that can be at times be inconvenient, maddening and confusing, kind of like a sort of reverse puberty!?! IKR!

Yet, these tend to be something whispered about in hushed tones, yet both are natural, inevitable parts of life, affecting men and women respectively mid-careers, mid-life and also…mid-sentence... 

I'm starting with the chaps? Why? They don’t get off scot-free you know, although 'manopause' is generally a slower, quieter, slightly grumpy affair. Manopause, is the gradual decline of testosterone and testosterone is the hormone that fuels the desire to, say, run up a flight of stairs or the confidence to wear that bold rather tight-fitting gym wear. Incase you didn't know testosterone levels drop in men by about 1% a year after age 30. 

Showing up as fatigue and lack of energy…yup, falling asleep early evening on the sofa during your favourite programme. It’s that kinda feeling when even retrieving your favourite snack requires a small, strategic committee meeting. It makes itself felt in a kinda nonchalant 'whatever-ish' attitude. This hormonal ebb can lead to what is clinically known as irritability and apathy. The world is suddenly full of things that are simply not worth the bother. People, be kind, this isn't just a bad mood, it's a genuine chemical dip. Suddenly, the male mid-section is expanding because less testosterone often means the body stores more fat around the midriff. The phrase 'built for comfort' becomes less of a joke and more of a need. 

Come the weekends, some our gentlemen friends may be truly wiped-out, so permission to rest is well-received, note, a quick power nap can do wonders for energy levels and everyone’s sanity. My awesome Dr keeps reminding myself and my husband to nourish our bodies, prioritise sleep, to add more protein to the diet, exercise daily, and hydrate! It may sound cliché, but it's the foundation of good health!

Oh, my! Ladies, if I told you I was having a bit of a time lately, it would be the understatement of the century. My life has been cheerfully gate-crashed by one absolute nightmare…Perimenopause and waiting outside the school gate for me in a menacing fashion is its slightly more aggressive older sister, Menopause. They’ve essentially turned up uninvited, rifled through my hormonal closet causing chemical chaos in oestrogen and progesterone levels, (read: the hormones that keep everything running smoothly). When they start to wind down, our body’s decide to throw a little leaving party, and things get...well...a bit wild (to say the least) and unpredictable. 

Because oestrogen plays a role in cognitive function this means, glitches (yup, memory lapses and brain fog). So if you're at that phase when you’re struggling to find the word for 'trousers', yup, all perfectly normal, albeit, somewhat of a daily challenge…Frustrating as heck, it's the brain's way of telling me to slow down, to stop, and maybe, just maybe, try harder to embrace the quiet moments. 

What else? An occasional mini thermal event. My brain’s temperature regulator (the hypothalamus) is getting confused by the dip in my oestrogen, it thinks my body is overheating, so it frantically opens all the doors (blood vessels). Yup, my internal thermostat is on the fritz. Those internal volcanic eruptions? Yup, another signal to take a break, get some air, and remind everyone around me that I am indeed a human force of nature. Sudden heat attacks causes my skin temperature to rise by several degrees in minutes. If on any given day I look like I’ve been sleeping on a volcano or come from a fully clothed snorkel at Smith's Cove, this is because my body is working overtime. Not just in the day but at night as well, leading to insomnia with the added fun of night sweats and well, doesn't sleep deprivation make everyone a little bit... edgy! Remember that filter you used to have? The one that stopped you from saying exactly what was on your mind? Consider it retired!

Alas, though to state the obvious that everyone’s experience is different because well we are all chemically unique. The 'pauses' are a significant time of change, my final thoughts (IF I can manage to hold onto one long enough)…

This whole 'change' business can be a right royal pain in the backside, but honestly, laughing about it is the only way to avoid ending up in a padded cell. If you're currently sailing this delightfully choppy sea with me, remember two things. 

-You are not alone. 

-We are all in this sweaty, fuzzy-headed, exhausting, slightly bonkers boat together.

Afterall we’re all just a magnificent human-mess of chemical tubes and signals, trying our best to embrace our evolution.

Hurricane's & Heartbreak

🌀 "She's alive!" He said and burst into floods of tears and then he apologised for crying??? "No, no, no … no apology please" I said. 

Crying is not just a reaction, but a critical biological process. 

When a catastrophic event like Hurricane Melissa strikes, the damage extends far beyond physical landscapes, for the psychological stress generated by the threat, uncertainty, loss and displacement literally floods the human system, making emotional crying a crucial part of the recovery process.

Natural disasters are supreme stressors that overwhelm the human body’s ability to maintain balance (homeostasis). Crying literally serves as the body’s emergency relief valve, flushing stress hormones and then calming the nervous system to increase pain tolerance.

You see emotional tears are chemically different. They contain higher concentrations of stress hormones, and crying is a mechanism to expel those toxic compounds that have built up from the fear and anxiety, to reduce stress. Then after a good cry, that deep, rhythmic breathing and those bodily muscle movements activate soothing Somehow you feel better for the good cry right even though nothing has actually changed. Why? Because it has increased levels of oxytocin and endorphins, the chemicals are vital in a disaster context, promoting calmness and increasing pain tolerance to help us humans begin the daunting task of recovery. 

Sharing the tears, (in IRL or through media) bypasses language barriers and is a clear signal to any human being on the planet for an urgent need for connection. Tears immediately draw attention and solicit an empathetic response because tears are a non-verbal sign of acute distress, so while they accelerate healing they are also a clear call to action for support from other humans.  

In short, please don't apologise for crying, our tears are a human physiological process designed to regulate internal chemistry, restore nervous system balance, and harness the power of social support, all essential steps in moving from survival to resilience. The small gestures matter, connect, be human, be a support, be a listening ear, let the tears flow and have tissues to hand.