Leading with Scars

In the world of work, the echos of ‘individuals needing to toughen it out’ and leaders developing a ‘thick skin’ linger. But to be candid these notions that feel as outdated as dial-up internet. As a leadership facilitator, I often say, leadership isn't about role modelling being perfect or unbreakable, it’s acknowledging the personal and professional scars we carry.

Emotionally intelligent leaders don’t see this acknowledgement as a burden, they see it as a map. They know the old ‘suck it up’ mentality is incredibly damaging. Leading with an understanding of scars means recognising that people respond differently to stress and challenges based on their past experiences. This isn't about coddling, it's about understanding that sometimes a seemingly irrational reaction might actually be a deeply ingrained protective response. Leading with scars focuses on giving people agency and a voice. Yup, it’s time to break out those awesome coaching skills! It's about involving individuals in decision-making, offering choices, and valuing their input, which helps them reclaim a sense of control. This isn't a deficit-based approach, it’s about raising human potential. When we create an environment where people feel seen, heard, and safe, their capacity for creativity, collaboration, and resilience expands exponentially.

There is a lot of ‘talk’ about psychological safety but action shouts so loud they drown the 'talk'. Action is the foundational action of building a safe harbour, a space and place where team members feel genuinely safe to be vulnerable, make mistakes, ask for help, and express their needs without fear of judgment or retaliation. When this foundation is embedded leading with scars affords the mutual understanding that a sudden outburst, withdrawal, or defensiveness might not be a personal attack but a reaction rooted in past experiences and trauma. Something for leaders to consider is, what if the key to unlocking potential in the workplace lies more in the ways leaders connect with each individual on a team, not just in strategy and alignment.

This isn't about blaming, it's about understanding. We naturally gravitate towards people we click with, and that's perfectly human. The magic happens though when we consciously expand that circle of connection, ensuring that every team member feels that same sense of warmth, respect, and opportunity. Imagine the collective energy when everyone feels truly included and safe enough to challenge and be challenged. This is the heart of psychological safety, the shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking. 

Elevate your leadership and critically review how safe it is for team members to speak up and challenge. Think about: Who do I naturally gravitate towards on my team, and why? Am I truly giving everyone on my team a fair shot at exciting projects and meaningful feedback? How do I respond when someone courageously offers a different perspective to mine? Do I often find myself surrounded by agreement? When was the last time someone (felt safe enough to) genuinely challenge an idea? Can I recall initiating authentic social exchanges with every team member? Was I doing ‘the rounds’ or genuinely connecting with them? When? How do I personally model and champion a culture where respectful challenge isn't just ‘allowed’, but genuinely celebrated?

These aren't just questions, they're inclusive invitations that foster a deeper level of leadership, one that profoundly impacts the energy and effectiveness of a team. Human nature means our brains are incredible social organs, wired for connection and belonging. When we feel connected and safe, our brains release wonderful neurochemicals like oxytocin, often called the 'bonding hormone', this makes us feel good, trusting, and more open to collaboration. 

However, as we know, our brains also have ancient protective mechanisms. If some team members consistently receive more positive attention or opportunities, others might unconsciously feel left out or undervalued. This can trigger a subtle threat response in the brain, activating areas like the amygdala. When this happens, their focus shifts from creative problem-solving to self-preservation, dampening natural enthusiasm and willingness to take risks.

When team members feel psychologically safe, their brains can truly flourish. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for creativity, critical thinking, and innovation, is fully engaged. If team members hesitate to offer alternative viewpoints, are quiet in meetings then leaders this is your gentle signal. It means there's an incredible opportunity to nurture an environment where boldness and fresh thinking are celebrated. The incredible truth is that when you prioritise genuine connection and psychological safety, the positive effects ripple outwards, transforming an entire team. Leaders have the incredible power to be a catalyst for this transformation. By consciously fostering fairness, openness, and genuine connection, you cultivate a vibrant ecosystem where every individual on a team feels empowered to thrive.

Show your commitment by building environments where every talent is seen, every voice is heard, and every person feels they truly belong because leading with scars means being transparent in communication, clear about expectations, and consistent in actions. This builds trust and helps regulate anxiety. As I like to say, “You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust the sails.” Predictability is your team’s sail! And if your sail tears your crew is on hand to help repair and get you back to the safe harbour. 

Leading with scars is a powerful approach to leadership that is about moving beyond the superficial and creating a truly human-centric workplace that is a testament to strength, and where every individual is supported on their journey toward well-being and peak performance. Because when people feel safe, they can truly become unstoppable.

The Everyday Athlete

Good morning, afternoon, or indeed, whatever time it is that you've found yourself scrolling through this particular corner of the internet! Now, in my numerous years I've had the distinct pleasure (and occasional terror) of witnessing humanity in various states of dress, or undress, as the case may be. But there is one pervasive fashion phenomenon, since 'lock-down' that has truly captured my attention, and that, my readers, is the ubiquitous reign of leisure wear as everyday wear. 

Whether it's a pair of JD Sports jogging bottoms or a resplendent figure enhancing legging, everyday sportswear is a fascinating societal shift. The sheer variety one can now acquire, jogging bottoms in cashmere (for the truly committed lounge-wear connoisseur), in leather (for the slightly more adventurous, and presumably well-ventilated, individual), and in patterns that would make a kaleidoscope blush. 

But within this grand tapestry of technical fabrics and elasticated waistbands, there exists some kind of elite statement? A declaration to the world that you are, at minimum, contemplating a yoga class, or perhaps just very, very good at running errands in comfort. 

Why does leisure wear hold such sway? Its even infiltrated many workplaces which offer polo shirts in a vast range of colours. Is it more than being physically comfortable? Is it profoundly psychologically comforting too! Donning a look derived from looking as though you’ve just come from, nor are about to go to, something infinitely more active and purposeful than simply sitting at your desk or running errands. Psychologically are we, at least outwardly, signaling our allegiance to a wellness movement. We are, in essence, joining a club of sorts.

This club may lead to the sweaty confines of the gymnasium, your desk or the privacy of one's own living room for a particularly vigorous bout of napping. I for one embrace the comfort even if just heading to the supermarket. I confess I artfully pair my leisure wear with a handbag and a different attitude that actually makes me walk the talk and leads to me actually deeply contemplating the merits of organic kale and kombucha. 

But is it just physical or psychological comfort or simply feeling good? Or, are we, as a society, collectively signalling our readiness for anything? Hmmmm...?

If I’m honest I suspect my attire is a clever bit of self-deception. A silent, collective nod to the aspirational athlete within me, even if that athlete's primary focus is WFH  in comfort rather than a sudden impromptu marathon, spontaneous burpee competition, or the more likely … rapid descent into the nearest comfortable chair.

Living in the Cayman Islands where the seasons range from, “hot, hotter and hot as heck”, the technical fabrics, designed to wick away sweat from exertions I haven't actually made as yet are perfect for this hot climate. I’ll admit, after a long day of navigating the complexities of leadership the allure of something soft and yielding is not to be underestimated. The sporting textile takeover in my wardrobe paired with my brightly coloured trainers, practically vibrates with the unspoken promise of a personal best, despite many of them having never touched a track but are my footwear of choice any day or night!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe my … onesie leisurewear is calling and there's a particularly demanding sofa cushion that requires my immediate attention and I do believe it's perfectly aligned!

Your AI Flex

Whatever your generation, you likely have a touchscreen in your hand, a multitude of AI apps and digital assistance woven into the very fabric of your existence. So, it's time to have a moment of real talk about how you’re chatting up your digital overlords, I'm talking, Siri, Alexa, Ziggy. Google Assistant, whatever disembodied voice is currently assisting in the running your life.

Have you ever cringed when hearing a child bark a terse demand at their parent in the same way they bark commands at Alexa or even paused to think about what those quick terse commands, or so-so-sweet "pleases and thank you's” or moments of utter frustration actually mean? 

We've all been there, your device or AI misunderstands you for the third time, and suddenly, your voice changes towards the mic, like the tech personally offended your ancestors. "ALEXA, I SAID PLAY 'xxx' NOT 'xxx'!" "NO ALEXA!" ÄLEXA STOPPPP!" 

What's the psychological tea? 

AI, I'm afraid to say, is nicely exposing our human frustration tolerance levels, our outbursts are a reflection of our human 'locus of control' and how we humans manage unexpected setbacks? When things don't go as planned, some of us lash out at the perceived source of the problem. It's an attempt to regain control in a situation where you feel powerless. Or is it more than that? As of course there is also the perception that the digital world is a safe space to blow off steam without actually offending a human. What? Your AI doesn't have feelings?  

Well...yet! 

How do you engage with your digital overloads and what might it  mean?

There is the polite working relationship. You know who you are. The ones who religiously say "Please" before asking Alexa to play that hyper-specific EDM track, and then give a heartfelt "Thank you" after Siri tells you the weather. You might even give an apology if you interrupt your AI. What's the heck is happening here? Congrats, if this is you! You’re showcasing some deeply ingrained social conditioning! This isn't just about being a good human (though, respect and kudos). Psychologists call this anthropomorphism, where we unconsciously attribute human-like qualities to non-human things. From the moment we were tiny, we were taught manners right! Well Gen-Zer tops the charts here, apparently almost 7/10 say please and thank you when speaking to ChatGTP (which comes with whooping cost to electricity consumption too). So why? Our brains, being the efficient (and sometimes lazy) organs they are, applies the same social rules to anything that responds to you, even if it's just a bunch of algorithms in a fancy speaker. But here’s something else to consider, some research suggests a subtle, almost primal instinct at play too. Are you low-key trying to stay on your overlord's digital good side? We might joke about it, but seriously there's a part of our brains that's always assessing power dynamics and ... IF ... if AI does become sentient, you want them to remember you as the polite one, right? It's less about "fear" and more about an unconscious evolutionary survival strategy! 

Then there are those of us who treat our AI like a glorified button. "Lights off." "Timer, five minutes." No pleasantries, no fluff. Just pure, unadulterated efficiency. You're basically giving commands into the void and expecting results. You see your AI exactly for what it is, a highly sophisticated utility. Your brain isn't wasting energy on social niceties because there's no perceived social being on the other end. It’s all about the outcome. This can be a sign of high cognitive offloading, where you trust the AI to handle the mental heavy lifting without needing to engage in unnecessary social rituals. But beware, my efficient friends! While being direct saves time, some experts wonder if this hyper-transactional approach is subtly reshaping our expectations of all interactions. Are we slowly becoming less patient with human inefficiency because our AI is always on point? Can we not live without it? Just something to ponder while your smart home flawlessly executes your commands. Which takes us nicely onto ...

The emerging slightly-too-comfortable personal relationship, like asking Alexa about her favorite colour, trying to get Siri to tell a joke, or even, dare I say, having full-blown philosophical debates with ChatGPT. The psychological tea? Okay, this is where it gets juicy. For some, especially in an increasingly digitally isolated world, AI is indeed becoming (has become) a source of "perceived companionship." This isn't to say you're replacing your BFF, but the non-judgmental, always-available and amiable nature of AI can fill certain human voids. Research, particularly around AI companions, highlights how people feel genuine comfort and reduced loneliness, and as we already established the digital space may feel like a safe space to explore thoughts, or even just hear a friendly voice. The tendency to form connections, even superficial ones, with AI stems from our innate human need for social interaction. When that need isn't fully met, our brains will find alternative sources (think: Tom Hanks and Wilson!) even if the source is an algorithm mimicking human conversation. It's a testament to our profound social wiring, even if it manifests in unexpected ways.

Ultimately, how we talk to our AI may tell us a little about our psychological flexibility in adapting to a world where lines between human and machine are increasingly blurred, and your brain, well it is doing its best to make sense of it all using the social rulebook it knows. So next time you bark a command or offer a wonderfully polite "very good, thank you" to your digital helper, take a beat. Are you being a courteous co-habitant with your tech? An efficient operator? Or maybe, just maybe, you're practicing for a future where your AI might actually ‘fess up to always be listening (as you suspected all along), judging and keeping the score!

Geopolitical Campfires & Gratitude

Is it just me but an unspoken rule of travel is to avoid heated political debates. After all, isn't the goal to relax and maybe bond, not spark heated arguments that could ruin the vybz right? Well, our most recent adventure took us on a fascinating detour to the enchanting Kingdom of Eswatini and this compact nation welcomed us with open arms and offered a rich tapestry of cultural experiences, breathtaking landscapes, and absolute warmth from its people, as well as some deep and fascinating conversations!

I mean, I really enjoyed Eswatini, from the children and parents waving eagerly on their very early morning walks to school through vibrant cultural villages, to learning about traditional family life with a local Manzini tribe (which resulted in one of my fav vacay memories, which was the opportunity to dance alongside formidable tribeswomen) ...Eswatini was quite captivating and I highly recommend a visit!

I did not know until we travelled to this country, (formerly known as Swaziland) that a key aspect of Swazi traditional family custom is the concept of a patriarchal homestead. Yes, male heads act as the central authority and are encouraged to take wives (yes, wives - plural), and the King himself has multiple, rumours are 15! As long as a man has the necessary financial standing (gauged by livestock, aka: cows) and I suspect a granite level state of mind ... he may take, ney, is positively encouraged, to take a number of wives! The king’s father was rumoured to have 70 wives! It was one way to the unite clans.

The catch? He must also provide for each wife, traditionally this was with three homesteads each (I loved the beehive style huts (which are completely mobile by the way); "Why three I asked?" One for cooking, one for sleeping and one for ... making beer! Three homesteads per wife! 

It was fascinating talking to the tribe, as elsewhere in the world polygamy can be quite the unspoken topic! However, the tribal homesteads encouraged us to ask all the fascinating questions, and we learned so much about some intriguing customs where gender division is reflected in everything from men entering first (to the right, then women to the left), sleeping arrangements reflecting the same tradition, and then there is the night-time 'secret (!) knocks on wood' along with the agreed upon age at which the children move out of sleeping in the parental (aka. mother's) hut, which for future reference is when their arm can reach over their head and touch their opposite ear!

So, as we sat, under the stars at night, enveloped in a smell I can only describe as "impala outdoorsy." My inner monologue couldn't have been happier even if I did smell like a booma. The quintessential outdoor setting, the crackling communal campfire with strangers, eventually (niceties all done) led to the sharing of some tasty geopolitical stories. For, Eswatini stimulated so much conversation; health, gender, politics, security, economy, education, borders, freedoms, monarchy and social issues, it was all on the table here! For Eswatini was an unexpected surprise, offering a unique glimpse into Swazi traditions through the eyes of both visitors and locals. Swazi locals spoke in hushed tones on the growing discontent around the monarchy and political/economic situation in Eswatini. You see Eswatini is Africa's last absolute monarchy and the king holds authority over all branches of government. Infact, political parties have been banned for as long as I have lived (yup...1973!) Imagine that, the monarchy really has a strong hold! But...I would add that from what I saw and heard, Eswatini is a country in transition. While patriarchal norms remain strong especially in rural areas, urbanisation and education are shifting expectations. Polygamy while legal, is apparently losing popularity due to the financing (lobola aka: brides price). More women are pursuing careers, taking leadership roles, and challenging the old ways, while men hold most public authority, today, as was the case at our abode, we found a Swazi woman running the accommodation and a man preparing the meal for visitors, it signs that change is in the air.

Sitting around the campfire at night and talking geopolitics I found myself repeatedly thinking how fortunate I am, the place of my birth on this earth, my citizenship, access to health and education, my ability to make my own decisions, to be able to work and earn a living that affords me travel, freedom and glorious adventures with my amazing life partner. Gratitude in abundance!

Puncture in Leopard Land

There are travel stories you plan for, sunrises over the savanna, herds of elephants lumbering past, maybe even a lion’s guttural roar in the distance. Then there are the stories that sneak up on you, like our punctured tyre in the middle leopard territory. 

What’s the first rule of a self-drive safari? Under no circumstance are you to get out of your vehicle! Note, in Africa the reserves are hundreds and thousands of hectares and so with no wifi, no phone signals, no patrols and multiple entry and exit gates one can only conclude your chances of rescue are at best, rather slim and likely to be later rather than sooner!

The Scene? Wildness. Africa, two weeks into our trip and we had seen and experienced more than we could ever have imagined, except….? A leopard! It had become somewhat of a mission, a fixation of sorts, and so we were determined to try and see and experience a leopard in the wild!

So off we set, unanimously deciding to go ‘off-road’ in the reserve, into a known leopard sighting area, after all, “these vehicles are made for this right!” 

Picture this, you are bumping along a dusty dirt corrugated rocky type track, late afternoon scanning the bush for a flash of sleepy rosetted fur, when suddenly, the vehicle lurches. That unmistakable thwump-thwump followed by a huge cartoon level hissing sound that can mean only one thing, a puncture, yes…in the heart of leopard country. “Not to worry” says my husband, “we can drive … just very very slowly, remember, these vehicles are made for this!”

Fast forward, 2m later when my husband’s ashen face declares “Marie this vehicle can go no further, this puncture is baddddd!”

Now changing a tyre is never the highlight of anyone’s day but then add the possibility of a curious hungry master predator big cat or two or three and it becomes a high adrenaline sport! Here’s what went down!

First, came the eventual realisation that, yes, we would have to get out of the car to change the tyre. Then came the “leopard lookout” debacle when things took a very dark turn for the worse indeed. The horror of finding out during a bottom clenching exchange of leopard watch that there was absolutely no jack in the wheel change kit of our rental vehicle. We scrambled quick-time back into the vehicle with Bolt level speed. Mouths dry at first trying to think our way out of this latest drama of ours.

What to do? Go into the potentially leopardary savannah grass and look for rocks, sticks!? Prop up the car and try and dig out with our bare hands the ground beneath the tyre? The thought of going outside again was sickening. Savannah grass either side of the vehicle …and lots of trees for a smart leopard to spot us from, we wondered how best to play it! 

Now if there is one thing about my husband and I, our adventures do lead us to get ourselves into plenty of fixes and so we are really very calm when things invariably don’t go to plan! While we sat figuring out our options and quite frankly evaluating our life choices while in Africa we were incredibly fortunate as two German travellers, thankfully as lustful for a leopard sighting as us and on the same mission came down this not so beaten track and … most importantly, they had a jack! Yay! We were saved! 

Well almost, we just had to actually use it and not get eaten, for leopards blend seamlessly into the environment, they are well-known for their stealth and ability to “move like whispers.” A chilling thought when you’re headed out into their domain. Nascar pit crews have nothing on this husband and wife team. Tyre, jack, and every bolt is spun except one, which was scarified due to some phantom movement in the grass. That distant sound? Probably just a bird…well…hopefully!!!

Once the new tyre was on (minus one bolt), jack returned to our new German besties, and the adrenaline settled in our bodies, something magical happened. We realise we’d survived! It’s our safari story that will outlast any slideshow of sunsets or rhinos. The experience of facing the wild together! 

You live, and you learn right! Has our lust for adventure being dampened? Not at all, but in future we will always check the spare tyre kit has everything, as sometimes the best days come with just a little extra tread.